What Do You Do When A Good Friend Hits On Your Husband?
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A reader asks, What do you do when a good friend hits on your husband? Does the friendship have to end?
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
My best friend since first grade has had an obvious crush on my husband. She would never admit it outright and would be hurt if she heard me say it. My husband has asked me to end my relationship with her because it makes him feel uncomfortable.
My husband is really my best friend and we’ve been married for 15 years. People have tried to hurt us in the past. I don’t want to end my relationship with my girlfriend but how long do I let her throw herself at my husband until he caves? We’re nowhere near that problem but we have a strong marriage because we’re smart about people like this and don’t keep them in our lives.
This story is actually more complicated and I don’t want to give you all the details but what do you do when a good friend hits on your husband?
I love both of them and I have just been ignoring it for years but it’s come to a point that I need to end the relationship and I’m so sad over it. What are your thoughts?
Signed, Rachel
ANSWER
Dear Rachel,
Flirting or having a crush on someone is a far cry from acting on those feelings.
If your friend has been sexually provocative and it’s bothering you or your husband, you need to have a talk with her and let her know. She may not realize how she is coming across.
You also might want to restrict your get-togethers with her so you are always a twosome, without your husband.
However, if this has happened multiple times with different friends I can’t help but think that your husband is sending out signals that he welcomes attention from other women or even actively encourages it. You also mention that you’re worried about him “caving in.” If this is the case, you need to speak to him about your concerns.
It’s wonderful that you and your husband are close friends but could he be overly possessive and, perhaps, threatened by your having close female friends? Husbands or lovers don’t substitute for the closeness we feel with female friends and vice versa—and it shouldn’t be cast as an either/or situation. It sounds like you have a long history with this friend that’s worth saving.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Irene
Prior posts about balancing friends and lovers on The Friendship Blog:
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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS
I think your and her behavior is disgusting and surprised your wife puts up with it.
Invalidity is not acceptable and her actions are not acceptable. I most definitely not put up with that behaviour
You need counciling
This is very difficult to read – please don’t capitalize every letter. It must be hard to type that way anyhow. Make life easier on everyone and write correctly
Thanks for catching this. Her post has been removed.
I have a similar situation. A close acquaintance became slightly closer when our kids became playmates. At one point, her child needed a doctor, so I brought them to my husband. Well. Once this friend met my husband, she began to scheme on ways to be around him. First there were the weekly doctor visits-for her, not the child. Suddenly her infrequent back pain was so chronic that she needed weekly visits. While she was in the office her kids would be playing with mine in my backyard. one day, I saw her kiss my husband on the cheek, completely unprovoked (he was walking past and she just popped up and kissed him). AFter that, she began to do other things-walking up on him so close that he had to back up or put his shoulder to her. Always talking about how her husband does not touch her or love her. Coming around for visits when she knew I would not be here.
We would stay at her rental property, and she would show up there on our family vacation, and be so hard to get rid of! The flirting continued. ONe day we invited her and her family to the movies. (by the way, she is married, but has a horrible relationship with her husband)
They got there first. She had saved a few seats in the row behind where her family sat. There were two empty seats on her row. Exactly enough for my kids to squeeze in and sit together, and my hubby, my 3 y/o and I could have sat in the row behind. She did everything she could to seat me with the kids so she could sit next to my husband. She moved out of her seat to the row of seats she’d been saving for us, and she sat in the middle rather than moving to the first empty seat and leave the three seats for us to sit in. Then she kept telling me “You sit right there!” pointing to the seat at the end of the row with the kids. Which would have left my husband no where to sit but by her. So I put my 3y/0 next to her brother, and I sat next to her. My husband sat next to me, and her sigh of disappointment was audible.
The deal breaker came when I invited her to breakfast to celebrate my son’s birthday, just a few weeks ago. That morning, I sent her two messages. One was the invitation to eat. The other was telling her that my husband had an opening for that morning, during the same time as the breakfast. I clearly stated that she had a choice to make, either go have her therapy or come eat with us. I made it clear that I had no room or inclination to take her kids without her, as I did not want to spend the entire meal chasing kids around the restaurant.
So what she did was start saying well I don’t want to eat there but I can help with drop off and pick up. I had to run home, and I told her that, and she even offered to go to my house and get whatever I needed and bring it to me (as if!), that’s how desperate she was to have me go watch her kids at the restaurant, even though I’d already told her that she needed to be present if they were coming.
I left her and her kids, and went by my house. While there, I sent a final text explaining that she needed to stay with her kids if they were going to have breakfast with us.
So what this conniving bitch did was drove her kids five miles out of the way to drop them off at the restaurant. She left her kids with the waitress rather than bring them to the office. Then she called her husband away from his Saturday golf to come sit with the kids. So I ended up having my son’s birthday breakfast with her husband while she went to my husband’s office.
I. Was. Furious. I told her I couldn’t stand her crazy ass, and that we needed to have a serious talk. That talk never happened, and we degenerated into angry text messaging until I finally told her to stay the hell away from me. I threatened to tell her husband all of the things that I’d noticed. She has sent a couple of messages since but I trash them immediately. I never want to hear from her again. I only wish that I’d done it sooner!
Hi all, I am writing here because I think my issue is very related with your issues. I’ve been married for 5 years and I love my wife and my marriage is going very well, but I also love my friend’s wife as well. I don’t know what to do with this issue. I can’t stop flirting with her whom she responds me.
I’ve been flirting with her about 2-3 years now. I think neither my wife nor her husband knows it. We do not do obvious flirt like get drunk and hug-touch in front of people etc. We do it very carefully and secretly when we get together in every while. Last time when we were visiting them as a family at their place as soon as I stepped in the house she hugged me so tight, I was holding my baby son when she hugged me and I’ve touched her breasts, she let me do it I am positive. Then when we were in the living room she was sitting on the couch, I sat right next to her and I wait for the right moment and then I touched her hand gently and I held her hand for seconds and then I touched her foot, rubbed my hand against her foot. I am super excited and turned on when I touch her specially my wife and her husband are in the same room. It is kind of super attractive thing for me and I can’t stop it. Knowing that she reponds me is making me crazy about her. In one time when we’re eating dinner in their house I started touching her foot with my foot under the table and she did the same thing back to me. Sometimes action comes from her, she touches my hand or my waist etc.. 2-3 months ago when we were at the bar with bunch of friends and her husband and my wife we were all standing close to each other I touched her belly and my hand slowly slid down to her genital area over her thin dress. This took maybe 5-10 seconds but she liked it and she rubbed her area against my hand. This happened while I am standing right next to my wife can you believe it? I think she loves to do that way too. Whenever she touches my butt, my leg, my arm or try to hold my hand is while we were very close to our partners. In one time she rubbed her butt against my hand while she was talking to my wife when I’m standing near her.
Even thinking of it turns me on and I really do not know what to do about it. We’we been doing this and I would like to go further point to have sex with her but I think this will never happen because she is in love with her husband and she just likes to fool around. I really love my wife and I never want to hurt her feelings. On the other hand my friend’s wife and I we both love this touchy flirty thing and I feel like I love her too. I wonder if she feels the same way as I am. We continue flirting but we never talk about it. Should I talk to her how desperately I want her and I want to have sex with her or should we continue the way we are? Pretend nothing happens in between us while we continue touching each other?
I really don’t know what to do. It’s really a hard situation. Her husband is one of my best friends but I can’t help doing this and I think she is the same way. Don’t know what to do???
You are a disgusting pig. Have some respect. You either have an open poly relationship or not! What you ate doing is beyond disrespectful. I hope you get caught.
No one ever needs a “friend” like this. It’s too toxic. This might sound harsh, but drop the “friend,” or just distance yourself quickly because she can’t be trusted. Always trust your own instincts! I speak from experience…
I developed a crush on my best friend’s husband once and hated myself for it – I actually wanted to harm myself because I felt so guilty for having feelings for this man. Eventually I told my friend, weeping, that I had a crush on her husband because she had started to accuse me of it. Point is, it was only after both she and I stopped making such a big deal over it, that the feelings disappeared… but the longer that I was freaked out with fear and guilt over mere “feelings” the more they were consuming me and making me want him more while making me hate myself. Sometimes – we just make too much of stuff. Eventually it became a thing of the past and I was glad that somehow our friendship had survived it.
Get rid of her. .. You’ve seen the signs. F you don’t you will end up losing both.. She’s not a friend
Having broken off a frienship because the ex friend made her feelings about my husband very clear and also she turned against me, it’s not a pleasant situation to have to deal with. The ex friend had known me from school and it was the betrsyal that was hard to take. I knew she’d had feelings for him and hsd been flirty, but she went too far. Even though my husband did not return her affections, she became obsessed with him and a complete break wax the only way to sort it.
I had the same thing happen to me with a grade school friend. I walked in on my husband looking at a set of “boobs” on the computer an they were my friends. I can’t bring myself to ever trust her again. We aren’t as close as we once were and it is said because we had plans to set on the porch on our rockers watching our grand children play. We have grand children now but, the rocking chair thing isn’t happening. How can you ever get back to how it once was?
Why do you feel the need to capitalise every word?
It’s not only incorrect but worse; it makes your post extremely difficult to read.
I have a friend who tells me that she and my husband have finally broken the barrier of sexual innuendo. Really? I don’t THINK this really happened… Bt who tells somebody’s wife that or their friend that they have done this with their husband?
It was sad. I am very fond of the ex friend’s sister and mum, but it is impossible to keep in touch with them because it might make her think my husband is wanting to contact her. Both the sisters are my daughters godparents. The ex friend sent our daughter a few letters, ok to begin with, then the tone changed and the last one was really nasty.
You are right, we are better off without her. I’m lucky to have other good and true friends
What a horrible experience. I was just reading about singer Shania Twain, whose husband left her for her best friend!
While it’s very sad to lose a friend of such long-standing, it sounds like you’re better off without this one.
Best, Irene
A friend of mine of 46yrs, since secndary school, has often showns signs of having stronger than platonic feelings for my husband. She was flirting with him at the party where I met him. It had never really got out of hand until just over a year ago. She had a fall and he picked her up. It was if a switch had been thrown and she went into overdrive, throwing herself at him, and behaving badly towards me as if I was the intruder! It ended up getting nasty, words exchanged. She denied everything, but continued to stalk him, even pester our family about him. We cut off all contact with her. It was not pleasant. She turned on our daughter so enough was enough
I can’t imagine how anyone would hit on a friend’s husband or anyone’s husband, even if it is harmless flirting. It’s not funny, it’s insensitive and inappropriate. YOur friend has issues and needs to look at why she covets the good that other people have.
I agree with Irene that you need to have a talk with your
friend. A long time ago, I was in the same type of a
position. It all started out as harmless jokes between
us two couples, but somewhere along the line it stopped being funny and the friendship ended.
If I could turn back time I’d have most likely been able to save an otherwise fun friendship. Of course, sometimes you can’t change it – but at least you will have given her the chance!