I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore, that’s definitely an abusive relationship, she sounds like she is mentally unwell and you did a great job telling her your boundaries and sticking to them.

I blocked “mine”… told her lovingly amd she tried to guilt me… im DONE. Refuses to accept boundaries cause her enmeshed fam talks 20 x a day and i dont live like that!

That HAS to end as abusive to you and she needs help!

I agree with Arrie.I Would say to the person calling me 10 times a day that this is a form of harrasment and it could lead to legal matters if they did not stop calling me.

She would also get very defensive or lash out when upset. She once said something to me that hurt my feelings, and when I told her that what she said was hurtful, she lashed out saying that I shouldn’t get offended by anything anyone ever says to me. But if I ever unintentionally said anything that hurt her, she would get very angry with me.

My breaking point was when she once texted me saying that she had a paper due a few days ago but she never completed it because she didn’t feel like it and asked me what I thought she should do. To which I had responded that there was nothing I could do or say except that the motivation to complete her paper has to come from her, not me.
She then got very angry and defensive saying that I was very rude to have said that to her, and she texted me for motivation because I always give her advice every time she texted me for it (which was almost every day).

When I told her that it might be best if she asked someone else for proper help, she got very angry and lashed out at me saying that it was a horrible thing for me to say since I was the only one she ever texted beyond her family members, since a lot of her other friends dropped out of her life or were too busy.
After this, I decided it would be best if we stopped talking because she was slowly starting to make me feel drained and frustrated from this one sided relationship.

Was that the right thing to do?

Jenna, it doesn’t sound as if you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve gone above and beyond in this friendship by giving so much time to your very demanding friend. Since this really bothers you, maybe you need to be more assertive and explain to her exactly what you want and how long you want to talk on the phone, and when. People like your friend will not back off unless you do this. Some of us need more privacy and you’re not getting your share of the courtesy that should be shown to friends in a relationship. You have not ignored her, she is not hearing you. It is her fault, be kind to yourself.

You are an exceedingly nice person. Exceedingly … don’t brush off that compliment. I hope you never have a moment of doubting yourself on this matter. I know this might sounds harsh, but I speak from my own experience: Some people are mentally ill (border line, high anxiety, with logorhea, clingy, self-focused and narcissistic due to early unmet childhood needs), and, unless you are a psychiatrist, there is nothing you can do to help them. They likely need medication, but, again, there is nothing you can do. Other than pray.

Now, how do nice people attract clingy folks? They listen, They exhibit a calm spirit, they are patient and kind, and clingy people, like a desert, drink that up, to the last drop, and beg for more. That leaves nice people completely depleted. They can never fill up another person’s need. But nice people do need to move on and replenish their stores.

This reminds me of the quote from Anais Nin:

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”

In April of 2013, I wasn’t home when she called, so she called my brother’s home to find out where I was. My mother passed away in May of 2013. The day after her funeral, I decided to have a quiet day and just be by myself, no phone, no distractions. I had spoken to this relative two days before, for about an hour. Yet she called me a total of six times. The first and second time I thought, “I’ll call her tomorrow.” The third time she called I was angry. After her six calls, she called my brother to find out where I was and to complain. That’s when I cut her off from telephone conversations with me. I explained it all very thoroughly by email, which she ignored. The calls to me and my brother continued and I ended up sending her three of the most outspoken messages I’ve ever sent anyone. The calls continued. She sent me a book on Angels and left a long, rambling message on my answering machine and explained how the book was about “how we should be to each other.” Once I had just finished carrying several grocery bags into my apartment when the phone started ringing. She rang the phone 19 times! I bought an answering machine which has brought me much more peace.

Then she sent me a meditation video about “opening our hearts.” She would leave long messages on the answering machine and then complain to my brother. I still felt guilty because she is a relative, and she was bothering my brother, but I knew I couldn’t deal with her pushy personality. I stopped sending any messages because I felt she was getting something out of those. She even told my brother that she hadn’t heard from me at all! I was 70 at the time and still feel that I earned the right to enjoy a peaceful retirement without someone’s drama.

Her mother died in fall of 2015. She called and left a message to manipulate me into talking to her on the phone again. I sent her a sympathy card. I told her in all of the messages I sent initially that we can communicate by letter, email or social media, but she won’t do it because she said hearing someone’s voice is so much better. Hearing your phone ring incessantly or hearing long messages implying that it’s all my fault is not acceptable. This woman has family all around her, there are her children and grandchildren, her husband and so many other relatives there.

The reason I’m writing is that I have a feeling that after almost three years, it is not over. She has not acknowledged that she was and is out of line.
I’m grateful for this blog and the people who are experiencing many of the same things I am.

I agree with you that the expectation is that we’re “on call” all the time. Like everyone’s a doctor now. I occasionally shut my phone completely off. However having 2 kids out in the world, I tell them first to “Call Dad.”

OMG! I’m dealing with that right now! I’ve know this girl for 4+ years and she is driving me bananas!!! At first it was ok, but then I noticed that when ever I tried to hang out with someone else or a guy she would get ANGRY and POSSESSIVE!

I was confused? Because she was acting like she had a girl crush on me or something! The icing on the cake was when I visited her while on vacation. I told her to plan out a few things for us to do. I figured some fun stuff nothing too expensive or anything.

Well she pulled out ALL the stops…nice restaurant, a play, club, etc. Now normally nothing would have been wrong with this BUT it was something about the way she was acting/staring at me in a weird way!

I felt very uncomfortable! When I left I didn’t contact her right away because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t over reacting! She kept asking me what was wrong, why haven’t I contacted her? So I told her in the nicest way I knew how. And she took it all wrong, and started saying how I was giving her signals, and a hold bunch of BS! This was the last straw for me, I cut her off for two years! And guess what her father died and she came back to town and used this to contact me. I figured since her dad died I could be supportive. I hung out with her for a few and now she wants to stay at my house until she leaves.

At first I said yes, but then remember everything that happened. And told her I think it would be best if she stayed at her families house but she could visit.

She blew up, saying I thought we were friends, my dad just died, etc.,etc. just being manipulative! I’m not cold hearted or anything but this is just her way of getting back in! This isn’t the first times she’s tried something like this, but I didn’t think she would use the death of family members! Sorry but this is the absolute end for me…I’m so done with this clingy girl! There’s some serious underlining issues with one!

I was going to add too, that in my case even if I suggested they saw a counselor I’d not say that is to replace me, but only in addition. I’d set some time that I could talk to them or hang out (something less than what they were doing that was better for me) and then I’d suggest they see a counselor as well.

Btw I’m not on this site about myself but to get advice about a friend! But I found some very good advice on another site. It also said not to be harsh with them, to be supportive, and to just wait several days before responding to their calls/messages etc so they get the idea that you are still friends but that you need your own space too without your even having to tell them. If you are worried about emergencies, I’d also suggest nicely telling them about the counselor or even family doctor for that if they hate the idea of counselors. They also suggested helping them to make other friends by telling them about groups etc. I think some Meetups could be good.

So I just meant, I’d not want to cut them right off unless they were just acquaintances I hardly knew. But I’d help them find others to go to as well and just limit my time with them.

First of all, target/victim blaming is no longer acceptable in modern psychology. Please don’t blame the person being targeted. Reasons for being slow to know how to deal with a good friend’s clinging behavior are very complex, including the fact that she might be more perceptive and have some understanding of her friend. Modern Americanized society does not agree with one’s being perceptive or understanding but that is not based on a truth but a narrow, socialized stereotype peculiar to a particular culture.

Secondly, it is true that people are always clingy for a reason. Sometimes this is a temporary thing that the person is going through. The person is probably not doing it out of spite, narcissism or the need to control others, but might have a problem with panic which they themselves wish they could control and are even trying to control but presently can’t. I know this since I once went through something similar myself after having had a traumatic experience. I couldn’t go for counseling about it (although I considered it) since I had a phobia of counselors since it was a counselor I’d seen over a minor issue as a late teen who had traumatized me in the first place.

It took me some time but I managed to get over the problem myself through extensive reading and through living abroad (in more caring, less developed and more group-oriented cultures, in fact) and becoming stronger that way. Not everyone would be able to do this, however.

Also, when I was going through it, I knew it bothered people, so I’d only go to one and sometimes two very trusted people and hide the issue from everyone else. I went to these people since they usually knew the right things to say when I was in a panic to help me believe in myself. Basically, in my case, I’d panic over things since I’d been shocked out of trusting my own judgement even though I wanted to and knew what I believed. These people would encourage me to trust my judgement and I’d immediately calm down again.

Sometimes I’d only need 5 minutes with them to calm down. The problem arose if I was needing encouragement over an approach I wanted to take to something which they didn’t agree with. As a free individual I had the right to do things the way I wanted to, but unfortunately I would often need validation over things, and we are all different.

And in regards to the crisis lines, when I tried them they normally made me feel one million times worse since they didn’t understand me at all and would say things off the tops of their heads, or offer advice although this goes against their guidelines. So I’d occasionally try to call them and be put in a much worse state and then have to call one of my couple of trusted people just to calm down from what they had said. In any case, I did get over the issue with time.

Cutting the person completely off only makes them panic more and could devastate them. They are not doing this to drive the person they are going to crazy, or for any devious or negative reasons. From my experience, they might have an issue with panic. They might also need some closeness with others (in my case I had only one family member and although I made superficial friends very easily at the university, I still felt isolated). I’d suggest explaining to them clearly that you support them and are trying to understand, but that it is also very stressful for you. And set some boundaries, but not in a harsh way, as though they are “bad” or to “punish” them, but only to help them become stronger and to help yourself as well, and explain this nicely and supportively to them. They usually need kindness more than anything; shocking them wont help.

And as long as they are not in my former situation, although mine is rare (where I had been emotionally abused by a counselor as a young person)suggest nicely that they see a counselor as well to help them become a bit stronger. I’d not harshly tell them they have issues and should get help, but I’d tell them supportively that a counselor is better able to help with such things and can also help them to get stronger so they can help themselves better and not have such an intense, panicked need for others’ constant support.