A circle of friends (credit: Pixabay)

Everyone can’t have a circle of friends; many women wouldn’t want one. But if you have circle envy, it’s not too late to create these bonds.

Early Circles of Friends

The idea of a “circle of friends” isn’t new. In the late 1800s, Amish women formed quilting circles to share expertise and companionship.

After they had finished individual patches for a quilt, they would come together (sometimes traveling over relatively long distances) during the spring and summer to lend a hand to one another in piecing them together.

The quilters socialized as they sewed, catching up on gossip and developing long-lasting bonds that became part of the fabric of the Amish culture.

Close Friends Provide Companionship and Support

The desire to have an embracing circle of female friends hasn’t diminished but still remains elusive for many women.

The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women and a Forty-Year Friendship chronicles the story of an exceptional friendship among 11 women that has extended over four decades.

When I interviewed the late Jeffrey Zaslow, the book’s author, he told me two types of readers had written to him:

1. Women with a circle of friends similar to the one of the “Girls from Ames;” and
2. Those who wish they had one!

It’s easy to understand why many women without a tight-knit circle of friends would covet one for the companionship, support, and comfort they offer.

Friendship Circles Are Most Prevalent in High School and College

During high school and college, people are thrown together doing the same thing, at the same time, in the same place. As a result, many friendships form organically.

But as women graduate, marry, mother, divorce, move, or change work—often not even in the same order—their lives diverge, and many find it difficult to maintain old friendships, let alone friendship circles.

Some friends simply outgrow each other. Additionally, the girlfriends someone made in elementary and high school may live in different cities, states or countries. One study of college students found that the average student moved more than six times over 19 years and that the average distance between friends was 895 miles).

Co-workers are more likely to hop from job to job than ever before or decide to change their career paths entirely.

Everyone Doesn’t Want A Circle of Friends

Don’t get me wrong. Not every woman wants or needs a circle.

In my survey of more than 1500 women for Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I found that certain personality factors may predispose some women to gravitate towards circles instead of one-on-one relationships.

For example, compared to introverts, extroverts often enjoy having a larger number of friendships and may be more likely to appreciate the vibrancy of a friendship group. Or they thrive on the idea of being with people so much that they like being part of multiple circles.

Friendship Circles Can Be Created Later In Life

If you feel even a tinge of circle envy (and there are many reasons why you would), there are still opportunities to forge a sisterhood later in life.

One key to creating a circle is creating or finding some natural affinity group that has the potential for longevity and creating rituals to bind the ties of friendship.

RX: The Friendship Doctor’s Prescription for Circle Envy

• Join a knitting group, sewing circle, book club or cooking club;

• Organize a regular canasta, bridge, Bunco, Scrabble or Mah-Jongg game;

• Volunteer as part of a smaller group attached to a larger religious or civic organization;

• Volunteer at a museum or hospital;

• Become part of a church or faith-based community;

• Adopt a cause, such as conservation or animal welfare, or join a political action group;

• Join a support group of women who share a common problem

The post On Circle Envy: Everyone Can’t Have a Group of Friends appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Image of LIES (credit: Pixabay)

A young reader laments a classmate’s new tendency to fib and stretch the truth.

QUESTION

Hi,

I have a friend, I’ll call her Jillian. She was THE PERFECT FRIEND in fourth grade. And then, in fifth grade, she started lying a little bit, and my other friends and I noticed. Now, in sixth grade, she lies to us a lot, and my friends don’t want to lose her.

When she lies, she keeps fibbing, and the entire situation doesn’t make sense when you put everything together. What can I do to keep her as my friend without her always lying to us? Jillian has also become an attention addict. She’s always lying to make her look and sound popular and barely cares about us anymore. She’s changed a lot and is becoming something none of us want her to become.

She’s changing into a bad person, and I would appreciate it if you could help.

Much appreciated.

Chloe

ANSWER

Dear Chloe,

I’m sorry to hear about your problem with Jillian. When a great friendship changes, it can be very sad and frustrating.

Accusing Jillian of being a lying attention hog will surely make her angry. I think you sense this, which is why you haven’t talked to her about her behavior. Perhaps it will help to think about why she is doing this: It seems she doesn’t believe her own (true!) stories will convince people she’s interesting and worthy.

Jillian wants to be liked, but her lying is causing her friends to dislike her. Maybe you could talk to her about why you like her and think she’s an interesting, smart, fun girl. Then you could tell her that you’ve noticed that she has made up stories before and that you don’t think she needs to pretend she is someone she is not.

I don’t think she’s becoming a bad person–though you’re right, of course, to recognize the importance of honesty. It’s more likely that she feels insecure and confused and is now in the habit of lying. If you can reassure her, that might just get her to stop this behavior.

Loyalty to a friend is a good trait, but if someone really isn’t treating you well over time, it might be a good idea for you to spend less time with her and more time with your other friends. If Jillian still isn’t treating you well and is still lying after you talk to her, you might have to decide to turn your attention away from her. I hope this doesn’t happen and that, instead, she realizes that the REAL Jillian is who you like and want to hear about.

No matter what happens, I can tell you’re a caring person who will be a very good friend throughout your school years and beyond.

I hope this helps.

The post When A Friend Starts Fibbing: A Young Reader Asks What To Do appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

A friendship betrayal that feels like a soap opera (credit: Adobe stock)

How do you get over a soap opera-caliber betrayal?

QUESTION

I have a best friend whom I have known for close to 15 years now. We met in 5th grade and were so tight. We shared everything, went through our ups and downs together, and were practically sisters.

About a year ago, we had a minor argument and had just stopped talking to each other. Neither of us tried to contact the other, which was odd because we had always worked out our issues before.

After a year of not communicating, she sent me a message on Facebook saying that if it was her fault, we stopped speaking and that she was sorry. In a way, it felt like it wasn’t sincere. I did reply and also apologized.

Two weeks later, I found out that she was getting married to my ex-boyfriend, a guy I dated for a year after she introduced me to him. I broke up with him right before our falling out. I never felt so betrayed in my whole life! I feel anger and deep resentment, especially towards my friend. I sometimes feel like maybe they had been seeing each other behind my back, but I don’t want to believe it. It breaks my heart.

She never told me they were dating or even about the engagement. I found that out from a mutual friend. I’m totally confused and don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to confront her or cut her off and move on. What should I do?

Signed, Linda

ANSWER

Dear Linda,

This is an operatic betrayal, so understandably, you feel angry, resentful, and heartbroken. I’m so sorry!

This is speculation on my part, of course, but it seems as though your friend felt too guilty to tell you she began dating your ex, and so built up the minor tiff you two had into something that merited a one-year hiatus.

Maybe in her mind, she even exaggerated whatever part you played in this minor conflict to justify her big betrayal. Then, suddenly fearful that you might hear about her engagement, she made a rather lame attempt to patch things up before the big news hit you.

It sounds like you don’t still have romantic feelings for your ex, but that makes this sort of situation only somewhat easier. Now, the question is: What will help you cope with this betrayal?

If you want to know all of the details, and if you want to tell her how hurt you are that she didn’t get in touch with you earlier–out of respect for the length and depth of your friendship–then follow up her Facebook message with an invitation for a cup of coffee.

If you’d rather not even see her, then don’t. It’s entirely up to you. Unless she offers a heartfelt apology for not telling you much earlier about her relationship with your ex, unfortunately, I don’t think this friendship can be saved.

Childhood friendships are such a gift–what a shame that your friend was so careless with your sisterly bond.

Yet the fact that you, too, didn’t feel compelled to get in touch with her for a whole year after a minor fight might be a sign that this friendship had run its course.

You survived that year without your friend, and you’ll survive whatever comes next. I hope that eventually, the hurt you feel will be balanced out by some positive memories of the relationship when it was at its best.

Signed, Carlin Flora

Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

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The post Betrayal: My BFF Ran Off With My Ex appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Marriage agreement after divorce (credit: Pixabay)

After divorce, a woman’s husband accuses her of adultery and her friend doesn’t come to her defense with mutual friends.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Ten years ago I had to divorce my husband of 25 years because he wouldn’t get help for bipolar disorder and became too dangerous and violent.

When I did, he returned to the town we were from and told our former large circle of friends that I committed adultery instead of disclosing his mental health disorder.

Only one person called to verify his story–the others just bought it. I told one friend the truth. Yesterday I found out that for ten years she has listened to the gossip about me and never once asked me about or told anyone it was not true. I’m devastated.

She also said she has never told anyone that she and I still stay in regular contact. All this time I thought she had set the record straight, but she has remained totally silent. I’m devastated. Am I wrong or right?

Signed, Paula

ANSWER

Hi Paula,

It can be very difficult for someone with bipolar disorder to reveal an illness to friends, especially if the illness led to aggressive, violent behavior and the demise of a marriage.

While I understand your ex-husband’s decision not to disclose, it was certainly wrong of him to “cover up” by accusing you of adultery.

As a consequence of his actions, it seems like you lost some friendships. While unfortunate, this often occurs after divorce when friends take sides. It’s admirable that you had the good character to move forward without telling tales about the circumstances leading to your divorce.

However, before you toss your girlfriend aside, is there some possibility that she felt a responsibility to not get involved in gossip—and private matters between you and your ex? However, I’m not sure why she never raised the possibility with your circle of friends that something else might be going on (without going into the details of your husband’s illness) or why she chose to keep her ongoing friendship with you a secret.

My sense is that this isn’t a case of your friend being right or wrong. If this long-term friendship is important to you, speak to her and find out what her thinking was. If the friendship isn’t a meaningful one, another option is to just move forward with your own life and leave the friendships you had during your marriage behind.

And pat yourself on the back for emerging relatively unscathed from a very tough situation.

My best, Irene

The post Should My Friend Have Explained The Circumstances of My Divorce? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Perimenopause threatens a friendship (credit: Adobe)

A friend, going through perimenopause, has become angry and distant. The writer asks for advice on how to help her and preserve the friendship.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I’m hoping you can help me. My close friend is going through perimenopause. 

For a couple of months, she’s been distant towards me, and now she’s rude and hardly talks to me. I try to understand what she is going through. And I tried to talk to her about seeing a doctor for her tendency to lash out.

I’m trying to be there for her as she has always been there for me. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can give me. I don’t want to lose my best friend.

Thank you,
Dennis

ANSWER

Hi Dennis,

When someone suddenly cuts off a friendship without explanation, it can be jolting as well as perplexing. You can only guess at the reasons for that person’s actions. In this case, you believe it’s due to your friend going through perimenopause.

That may likely be the cause. Mood swings (and sometimes mental illness) are common during perimenopause because of hormonal shifts. There are actually over thirty symptoms of menopause, and many times people are caught unaware and unprepared. 

As you suggested already, it sounds like her seeing a doctor would be very helpful in finding out what’s going on. Many women take hormones to help them feel better and ameliorate troublesome symptoms. But you can’t make her seek treatment. 

Despite your concern for her and your friendship, you are really in a difficult position. All you can do is be as patient and understanding as possible and give her the space she needs at this point. Hopefully, if your friendship is strong, it will survive.

You might find this article in The Pause newsletter helpful reading. It’s from a woman who is in your friend’s shoes. Another recent article in The Washington Post is from a partner of a woman going through perimenopause.

Hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

SAVE TO PINTEREST!!

The post Symptoms of Perimenopause Threatens A Close Friendship appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Friendless in a new town after moving (credit: Pixabay)

After getting married and moving to the country, a woman finds herself friendless in a new town, without a social circle.

Question

Hi,

In the past year, I have moved away from my family and friends from the city to the country. I moved because I was in a relationship and knew he was the one for me. I kept my job in the city and now commute over 150 miles daily.

Since then, I have gotten married, become a step-mom to four children, bought my first house, and…oh yeah, I have no friends. I feel so down all the time. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I don’t understand why I can’t feel happy.

Since my move, I have found making new friends in the country particularly hard, and I feel friendless in a new town.

Since I’m married and a mom now, I have lost interest in going out to drink and party all night long. That’s what my city friends and I used to do all the time. They no longer want to hang out with me; frankly, the feeling is mutual. I feel like I have no one to talk to in this world. I try to talk to my husband, but he’s not a woman and cannot fill that void.

My family members tell me to make friends with the wives of my husband’s co-workers, but they knew my husband when he was married to his ex-wife (who, by the way, is an incarcerated drug addict.) Whenever we get together with his co-workers and their wives, they always need to mention his ex-wife’s name and ask how she is doing.

I also feel that with the friends I do have, I am always the one who initiates hanging out. My friends (including my best friend from grade school) never called, texted or asked me to do anything. It’s always the other way around. I

I’m confused, sad, mad, tired, stressed, and depressed. I am crying a lot now and feel that this may be starting to affect my relationship with my husband because I’m not myself anymore.

Help, please: Is it normal for me to feel this way? Is it possible that a woman “needs” friends to live a happy and fulfilled life?

Signed, Alison

Answer

Hi Alison,

First of all, you seem completely normal, considering your circumstances. Secondly, you are not alone in your situation!

After a move, it’s common to feel friendless in a new town. This is especially so after a big life change (marriage and instant motherhood in your case).

Do women need friends in order to live a happy and fulfilled life? I would argue that, yes, they do. Many research studies have demonstrated that solid friendships improve mental and physical health and general life satisfaction. The fact that you realize this gap in your life needs to be filled shows how self-aware and intuitive you are.

We need friends in general, and you are spot-on in concluding that your husband can’t meet all of your emotional needs. Expecting him to do so could be harmful to the marriage. As for your particular circumstances, you’re enduring a very long commute, adjusting to a new town, adapting to a new lifestyle, and helping care for four children whose mother is in prison!

That is a lot for any one person to have on her plate. So, yes, you need friends to help you navigate this. Ideally, over time, you will have several close friends and a number of acquaintances in your new town who can bring out different sides of your personality, share many of your interests, and meet your various emotional needs.

But don’t focus on the ideal right now. Concentrate on finding one friend who lives near you with whom you can share some fun and relaxing times and, eventually, deeper feelings and thoughts. All it takes is one authentic friend to make a big difference in your life.

How can you find her? If you’re uncomfortable with your husband’s co-workers’ wives (and I can see why you’re not), try to get out into the community on the weekends as much as you can, and project an open and friendly attitude.

You are feeling down and maybe even depressed right now, so that might feel fake. But the truth is that people will be more likely to strike up a conversation with you if you are lighthearted and warm. Once you start interacting better with people, you’ll feel more energized and like your old self.

Then, if one of those people you meet at a cafe, the library, the farmer’s market (you are in the country after all, right?), or your step-kids school seems like someone you could befriend, go ahead and ask her if she’d like to get coffee sometime.

“I’m new in town and would love to get to know more people” is the perfect excuse. Finding someone with whom you really “click” might take time, but the effort will be worthwhile in the long run. (The time and energy spent on your extra-long commute will cut into your ability to nurture friendships, making this an even greater challenge for you at this point.)

As for your “old” friends and your frustration with being the initiator, think about which of those friends you care most about, and share your feelings with her. Ask her if there is a reason she never reaches out. If she gives you one, listen and consider it rather than lashing out defensively.

It’s possible that there is no reason, and it’s just a pattern you’ve fallen into with your friends. You’ve trained them to rely on you to keep the friendship going. This might be difficult to talk about openly, but it would be better for your closest “old” friend to know how you feel than for you to continue to drown in sadness and resentment. She may very well step things up, allowing you to draw strength from that friendship as you work to make a new one.

Finally, while you attempt to spark at least one new friendship and repair at least one old one, you might want to consider seeing a therapist about your depression.

A friend could make you feel better, yet feeling better could also help you make a friend.

Why not try both tactics at once? (If you choose to do so, I hope you can see a therapist during your lunch break at work so as not to pile on more “tasks” to your already busy schedule.)

Best wishes, and I hope this helps!

Carlin Flora
Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

*Carlin Flora is a friend and colleague of the Friendship Doctor.

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The post Friendless In A New Town appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I’ve been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship.

When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn’t reciprocate.

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn’t scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

In both cases, I’ve come to recognize that we’ve changed as people, and don’t share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life.

If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past – so I don’t want to drop them altogether.

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed?

I’ve known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn’t it healthy to talk things out?

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I’m still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We’re both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn’t age 21) so we’re taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it’s the first time she’ll “cut loose” in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I’m feeling anxious that we’re not as compatible now as we once were.

I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

In both cases, it’s a question of how to acknowledge change.

The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

ANSWER

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it’s tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

While you hope you’ll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar.

Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you “confronted” her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don’t like the term “confront” because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it’s fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

In the case of Friend # 2, she’s realized it’s logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she’s immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends’ getaway to celebrate your friendship.

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you’re both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

Yes, it’s always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship—or to even understand the transitions in the middle.

It’s easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no “right” way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit— “right” depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

It’s hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn’t ask—but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who live far away?

The post When Close Friends Become Far-Away Friends appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Friendships change over time. Just like a well-worn bra that has slowly lost its shape and support, once-close friendships also fray without one or both friends fully realizing what is happening.

In my survey of more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, respondents repeatedly mentioned the same subtle (or not too subtle) signs that suggest a friendship is headed south and may be in trouble.

These include:

1) Misunderstandings become more frequent.

Your conversations used to flow seamlessly. But now, you just aren’t connecting the way you used to. It’s almost like something’s misfiring.

You say something innocuous and she takes it the wrong way-or she complains about something you said months ago and you can’t understand why she would bring it up now.

It’s gotten to the point where you seem to be grating on each other’s nerves.

2) It’s hard to make plans.

It used to be so easy to work out your schedules. Now, whenever you try to get together, life seems to get in the way.

Last time you were supposed to meet for a girls’ night out, she begged off at the last minute saying she couldn’t find a babysitter. It was the second time this happened. She’s promised to reschedule but you almost hope it doesn’t happen.

You feel a sense of dread when you see her phone number come up on your caller ID.

3) There’s been a breech of trust.

You’re not sure why but you’re reluctant to share your successes with her. She’s been subtly undermining you at work and you suspect she may be jealous.

You realize you have to be more careful about what you share with her.

4) Silences are getting longer.

When you talk on the phone or get together, it’s hard to find common ground. There’s simply less and less to be said. You begin feeling that she’s on some other wavelength.

When did your lives diverge in two such different directions? Even her jokes aren’t funny; they leave you speechless rather than laughing. Was she always this boring?

5) You feel nervous and edgy when you’re together.

You used to feel so relaxed-whether sharing intimacies over the phone, talking over coffee, or just being together saying nothing. Now your stomach is in knots each time you meet.

You feel tense because you can’t be yourself and have to watch your words.

Is there a fix?

Some misunderstandings can be corrected. Other times, boundaries need to be set or more effort needs to be put into the relationship.

But many times, two friends have changed-in different directions-and they’re simply drifting apart. Sometimes even the best of friendships reach their expiration dates.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable, it may be time to take stock of what’s going on and how you can make the right fix.

The post 5 Signs A Friendship Is Headed South… appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Irene,

I wonder if you would ever post anything about the effect of socially withdrawn mothers on their daughters’ later friendship lives.

My mother had no close friends (just a cousin she hung around with and still does). In fact, she disdains friendships even though she is in her 60s.

I never had any close friends either. I can’t seem to connect with anyone, preferring to spend time alone, but I would like to be better balanced and have some decent relationships.

I can’t help feeling like my mother set a poor example and that I was “raised by wolves” because my father also only has a couple close friends (he’s down to one close friend, at this point).

Life without friends is HARD, and yet I have spent so much time alone pursuing my own thing by necessity. I have little in common with most women I meet; I spent my whole life reading books and doing creative things.

The more time I spend alone, enriching myself, the harder it is to relate to others in a way that fosters friendship.

I also feel like no women would want to be friends with me because I don’t have a circle of friends with whom they can network. I sense that it’s all about this big square dance of friendship networks and that if I don’t “bring anything to the table” socially, other women won’t want to have much to do with me when they find out who I really am – a solitary woman who doesn’t want to be a full-time loner.

I don’t want to live my mother’s life, yet I don’t have any female role models who are into friendship (even my only aunt, my mother’s sister, is a spinster loner, and my only sibling, a sister, also prefers to keep to herself). How does one break out of a family pattern of isolation?

Signed,
Lucia

ANSWER

Dear Lucia,

People differ along a variety of dimensions, including their interest in and ability to make friends.

For some, connecting with others feels absolutely natural and comes easily. Others find it difficult, if not painful. Some people are content to be left alone; others crave constant contact. Most people would agree that these differences, sometimes even between twins, are due to some combination of nature (genetic traits) and nurture (upbringing).

It sounds like you are shy and introverted, yet you are interested in making some friends. Your biggest roadblock may be your lack of self-confidence. The fact that you “spent your whole life” reading books and doing creative things doesn’t diminish your desirability as a friend; instead, it should enhance it, making you a more interesting person.

Maybe you could find a book or arts or crafts group in your community to use as a training ground to practice your social skills. Participating in a small group instead of one-on-one will allow you to meet people in a safe setting to see if you “click” with anyone in the group.

In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I describe some basic techniques for making new friends. As hokey as it sounds, a smile and sincere expression of interest in another person are the first small steps towards creating a new friend.

Meetup groups are good places to find other people who are interested in the same things as you and who want to affiliate with other people. You could also try signing up for an adult continuing education class at your local high school or community college.

You may feel like you were “raised by wolves,” but it doesn’t matter now. You’re an intelligent adult who is responsible for your own happiness. You must step up to the plate and begin making friends regardless of your family history.

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

The post Raised By Wolves: Is Having No Friends Her Mother’s Fault? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am in my late 50s and feel discouraged to discover that all of my friendships seem so fluid. I’ve had very good friends during all the phases of my life — high school, college, work —but after a while as circumstances change (such as leaving school, moving away, job changes, marriage, etc.) friends that I have wanted to keep and to stay “in touch” with have drifted away.

On my end I have tried to phone, send e-mails, and suggest get-togethers, but each and every time the relationship fades and then disappears. I am wondering if this is a usual pattern with most folks, or am I the exception? I’ve done lots of soul-searching to see if I am the problem, however I don’t believe this is true.

I’ve always been a good friend—considerate and caring. I look around and see others who have tons of issues/problems and they often do not treat friends well, and yet they are still close friends in spite of it and have been for years. I just want to know how many women out there have “staying power” with their friends, or do friendships come and go as has been my experience. Is it me?

Signed,
Virginia

ANSWER

Dear Virginia,

Yes, Virginia, friendships are dynamic and change over time.

You aren’t alone in experiencing fluid friendships! Your question was one of the reasons I decided to write my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. I was interested in seeing how my friendship history compared to those of other women and how friendships differ for different people.

After conducting interviews and reviewing relevant research, I found that contrary to the myth, the large majority of friendships—even very good ones—fall apart over time. People change and their lives diverge in different directions.

Many women are reluctant to talk about these breakups because they worry that their families, the men in their lives, and their other friends will judge them harshly for having lost a friend.

I applaud you for speaking up and asking the question.

While some people have friendships that run very long and deep, they are the exceptions rather than the rule.

When friends drift away, it leaves a terrible void that results in soul searching and questioning. However, it may be that your friends’ lives have changed more than yours.

Even friendships that fade away remain important to us. They help define the person we are today. The friends who helped get you through the first years as a mom or the first years in a new job were important then and their influence still remains.

Close friends understand us, make us laugh, and sustain us through the bleakest of times. The fact that circumstances and/or people change doesn’t minimize the many blessings those relationships provide.

You mention friendships of long-standing duration amongst people who seem not to care about each other. These friendships may be qualitatively differently than they appear from the outside or that you would want for yourself.

Meaningful friendships need to be nurtured, both old ones and new ones. If you’re feeling a friendship deficit right now, it means that it’s time to think about making new friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

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Bullies extract a terrible toll on kids (Adobe Stock)

A mom asks how to help her 10-year old daughter deal with bullies.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My 10-year-old daughter has been having a lot of trouble with friends recently. Some of the problems are caused by boy drama, and the “he said, she said” game. Kids have been spreading rumors about her, and I just don’t know what to do.

I have tried to get involved by giving suggestions on how to deal with the rumors. I have tried talking to other moms about their children’s behavior, but all I did was make it worse.

I am at the point where I am considering getting permission from her principal to change schools within the district. I really don’t want to do this. These kids have all grown up together, and I recognize that they are going to grow apart. I just don’t understand the cruelty.

Signed, Michelle

ANSWER

Dear Michelle,

These are years when young girls’ friendships can be fickle and kids can be hard on one another. That said, if these rumors are persistent, your daughter is being bullied. This has to be painful for both you and her and needs to be addressed.

I’m glad that your daughter has confided in you and told you about these problems. This isn’t a situation that can be ignored or pushed under the rug. If your prior attempts to support your daughter haven’t been successful, the problem probably requires intervention from her school. Contact your daughter’s teacher or the school principal so they know about the bullying, and can develop a strategy for addressing it.

Is your daughter feeling the effects of these bullies? Is she depressed? Anxious? Has there been a decline in her school performance? Because you are concerned, it could be useful to have her see a counselor outside of school, who is experienced with children her age who are being bullied. This person could help your daughter develop and rehearse ideas about what she should say and how she should act at school with these kids.

Changing schools can be very uprooting both academically and socially. So I would hold that out as a last resort. Hopefully, the school will be able to work things out and bring this situation to an end. In the meantime, it could be helpful to create opportunities for your daughter to socialize outside of school, perhaps by taking a music or sports class, until things simmer down.

Here are some useful additional tips on stopping bullying from the U.S. government aimed at parents whose children are being bullied:

My best,
Irene

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A woman is friend-poached by the same woman repeatedly and doesn’t know what to say or do. Should she give up her friends?

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

I’m a mom of two girls, ages five and nine. I met another mom at the playground in May and we hit it off quite well, though my 5-year-old was a little slow to warm up to her 5-year-old.

Since she and her family had just moved, she had not yet made friends in the area. We had similar interests so we kept up the friendship. She began to depend on me for her social life. Because I felt badly for her, I introduced her to friends and later found out that she’d been asking some with similarly aged kids for their phone numbers so they could get together for playdates.

I had invited her to join a newly-formed book group that I started and introduced her to my other friends there. Again, she started calling these friends for playdates, friend-poached them, without including my 5-year-old or me. Tonight, she carpooled to the book group with another friend of mine without even asking me. I felt so uncomfortable in the group that I started!

I don’t know what to do or how to process this. She volunteers weekly in her daughter’s kindergarten classroom yet she makes no attempts to cultivate friendships for her daughter with her classmates. I understand that she wants to connect with others and she admits that she doesn’t have the best social skills, but at the same time I am feeling so uncomfortable with her dipping into my and my daughter’s friend pool without trying to branch out on her own.

Everywhere I turn, she’s making playdates left and right with my friends, granted some are not as close as others.

We live in a small town but it can be just as hard for me to make friends around here. I am not a hugely social person by any stretch of the imagination and my first instinct is to pull away from these friends and her. I feel so upset. Do I talk to her about it? Is it likely she’ll even understand? Do I just try to let it go?

Signed,
Friend-Poached

ANSWER

Hi Friend-Poached,

The etiquette governing female friendships is pretty murky. The rules aren’t really spelled out anywhere leaving a lot of room for interpretation and confusion (In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I try to provide a roadmap to help women negotiate these complex relationships.)

In your situation, you were very gracious in welcoming this woman to the neighborhood and in introducing her to your friends and their children, and then by inviting her to your book group. In return, you were friend-poached, not once, but repeatedly.

It’s understandable that your new friend wanted to make friends, and she may have felt some special connection with one of your friends but she did this too many times. She may have justified it to herself by saying that she was doing it for her daughter.

This pattern of poaching multiple friends suggests that you are dealing with someone who is a serial friend-poacher. She seems narcissistic, insensitive, and disloyal. I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you must feel.

These are my suggestions:

* Tell this woman how hurt you felt about the carpooling incident. This situation is, perhaps, the clearest example of her transgressions and it may cause her to back off a bit. Maybe she wasn’t aware of what she was doing.

* Don’t introduce her to any other friends or acquaintances unless she apologizes and changes.

* Back off from spending time with her one-on-one too. The odds of you ever having a healthy friendship with her are slim.

* Don’t pull away from your other friends. They haven’t betrayed you in the way she did and my suspicion is that they will tire of her soon.

* Lastly, you may want to think about whether you were too welcoming too soon. Maybe you should have gotten to know her better before you involved her in various realms of your life.

I hope this helps you deal with this messy situation. Remember, she is the one who should feel awkward, not you. I’ve written about the topic of friend-poaching before but that post is focused on describing the occasional phenomenon rather than dealing with someone who is a persistent, serial poacher. Thanks for giving other readers and me the opportunity to think about this.

Best,
Irene

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One-Way Friendship (credit: Pixabay)

How do you cope with a one-way friendship breakup when a friend drops you without an explanation?

QUESTION

Hi,

I became really good friends with my neighbor; our daughters are the same age and adore each other. She says she suffers from depression and social anxiety.

She is a very lovely person. I would often invite her for coffee or to do something with our girls, and she often said, “No.”

After a while, I was hurt by this, and we discussed it. She reiterated her struggles with depression and anxiety. I found it hard to believe, as she seemed to make time for work, church, and other friends. I broke down in tears after she called to say she wouldn’t be joining me for our BBQ.

We spoke that day, and after that, things cooled off. A few weeks later, her husband had a party at home, and we were not invited.

I removed her from my Facebook because I was so upset. I regretted that and wrote her a letter making up some technical excuse about FB. I wrote that I would love the chance to talk about our friendship and asked if I had done anything wrong. I did not hear back. I left it and, in a way, felt relieved the whole guessing game was over.

I have never struggled with a one-way friendship as much as I did with this one. She never wanted to do anything but wanted me to continue asking.

It’s been six months, and yesterday, I met her husband and kids in the street, and we spoke. I told him that I did not know what had happened and that I missed his wife and hoped she was okay. He suggested she pop over and talk it out and that he would mention that we spoke.

I texted “Hi” to her today. I have not heard back. What more can I do? I don’t know what I have done wrong. I am finding it hard to let go of this one-way friendship because I don’t understand how someone wouldn’t have the decency to even let me know why.

Signed, Susie

ANSWER

Hi Susie,

First off, I really relate to your question because I had a similar experience: A friend I care about deeply started refusing my invitations to get together and blamed it on depression.

Depression does make it harder for people to socialize, which is unfortunate since maintaining close relationships is one thing that can ease the pain of depression. It’s a terrible cycle, and your friend might in fact be caught up in that cycle, even if she’s able to fulfill other social obligations.

After a while, my friend stopped contacting me altogether, though, like you, I knew she was seeing other friends. I strongly felt I *deserved* an explanation. After a while, another friend gave me a dose of much-needed tough love:

“For whatever reason,” this second friend said, “she doesn’t want you in her life right now. You have to accept that.”

It wasn’t easy to accept, but the truth is that we don’t always get explanations in life, and other people do have the right to stop seeing us if they no longer want to. I can’t say I’m over my one-way friendship breakup, but it gets better with time.

One thing that particularly strikes me about your letter is that your friend wanted you to keep inviting her to things even if she often refused. I wonder if she said that directly or if that was an assumption on your part?

It’s very hard for people in the beginning stages of friendship to say, “I don’t want to become closer to you.” So it’s possible that while your neighbor does, in fact, suffer from depression and anxiety, she used those struggles to politely turn down the volume on your friendship without directly insulting or hurting you. Of course, you’re left hurting anyway and feeling the brunt of a one-way friendship, so if that was her strategy, it wasn’t ultimately effective.

It really doesn’t sound to me as though you did anything “wrong.” So, while I know only time will heal this wound, I’ll say to you what my friend said to me:

“You must accept that she doesn’t want to be your friend. Don’t keep reaching out to her. Try instead to focus your energy on your friends who are only too happy to accept your kind invitations.” 

Just as with romantic relationships, sometimes we get fixated on friends who are “hard to get.” Stop trying to “get” her and enjoy the ones you already have.

Signed, Carlin Flora

Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

*Carlin Flora is a friend and colleague of the Friendship Doctor.

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Woman talking (credit: Adobe stock)

Have you ever sat down for lunch with a friend who talks incessantly—non-stop—without giving you the slightest chance to get a word in edgewise? You begin to feel like you turned on a TV set, helplessly trying to interact with a very boring re-run.

Your friend tells you every trite detail of what has transpired since the last time you were together. Then, without skipping a breath, reaches further back into the past and tells you a spate of stories you’ve already heard.

Your friend’s speech is pressured and feels unrelenting.

If you like the person well-enough to want to remain friends with a friend who talks incessantly, here are five tips for making that lunch easier to digest:

1) Try interrupting periodically

Don’t feel shy about changing the topic, or directly asking your friend to slow down or stop for a minute so you can have a turn to speak. Given the situation, it isn’t rude or impolite.

If you’re lucky, you may startle the heck out of your friend, disrupt a pattern of one-way conversation, and seize an opportunity to speak and be heard.

2) Be cautious about inadvertently encouraging more of the same

When you’re totally bored, don’t feign interest by asking questions or giving the yakker other types of positive feedback, perhaps in the form of head nods or ah-ha’s.

If you look disinterested or glance at your watch, the talker may slow down.

3) Don’t label or call the person names

Yes, your friend is probably self-centered, narcissistic and insecure—but if you mention this, the person will only become more defensive, and it may exacerbate the problem rather than solve it.

Remember, you’re at lunch, not at therapy or a coaching session, and you have the right to expect reciprocity.

4) Identify “not being able to get a word in” as a problem for YOU

If you are truly a good friend, tell your friend bluntly—but kindly—that you are feeling frustrated when you get together. Tell your friend that you need and want more give and take in your conversations.

If you’re lucky and your friendship is solid, the person may have a glimmer of self-insight.

5) If you can’t change your friend’s behavior, you may have to change your relationship

If your friend continues to drone on each time you get together, which is the most likely outcome, you either have to accept the person as-is—or downgrade the relationship: The incessant talker may actually be more tolerable and entertaining in small doses; or else, the intensity of the person’s chatter might be diluted proportionately if you get together within a group of common friends instead of in a twosome.

If you do decide to call it quits, you’ll recoup time to nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations.

One more tip, don’t worry too much. The friend who talks incessantly will probably find someone else to listen. When someone talks too much, there’s always a new audience within easy reach—friends, family, or colleagues.

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

• My Clingy Friend Who Calls Too Often
• The Woman Who Couldn’t Stop Talking About Herself

What successful strategies have you used to handle an incessant talker?

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Blue snowflake (credit: PublicDomainPictures on Pixabay)

Wondering how you can get over the holidays without friends or family?

14 Ways to Buoy Your Spirits

Here are some ways to get over the holiday hump when you’re feeling down:

The holiday season can be depressing if you are feeling alone or dispirited with no friends or family and everyone else seems joyous and happy.

But like you, many others have no friends or family nearby, or feel disconnected or estranged from the people around them—or else I wouldn’t be writing this post!

Family ties, like friendships, are often imperfect. People tend to disappoint each other—especially under stress, and when expectations run as high as they do at this time of year. What appears enviable on the outside may not be as appealing if you peeled off the layers and peek inside. Don’t they say that the grass always looks greener?

Keep things in perspective. The decorations will come down, stores will soon start preparing for Valentine’s Day, then President’s Day, and it will be back to business as usual before you know it.

While no advice or suggestion can take away pain if you’re feeling down, I hope that at least one of these 14 crowd-sourced ideas will resonate with you and help you over the holiday hump:

1) Start a new project 

It can be something that can be done in a few hours (organizing that messy hall closet or cleaning an appliance), or maybe one that’ll take several months to complete, like slowly learning a new language online for little or no cost. (See Duolingo.com or Italki.com)

Whether or not you even finish the project, there’s no better feeling than the anticipation of starting something new that excites you.

2) Lighten your load

Get rid of things you don’t need that might be “gifts” to others.

Gather clothes and household objects you no longer use or need and arrange for a pickup by an organization like Goodwill or Purple Heart. Giving and decluttering are both feel-good activities. (This might also get you an end-of-the-year tax deduction.)

3) Have a song in your heart?

On Christmas or New Year’s Day, turn on a radio or other device to play seasonal music and then sing along as loud as you can.

There’s no wrong way to sing a Christmas carol or Auld Lang Syne (or even Elvis’ Blue Christmas). You’ll be smiling before you know it!

4) Compose a gratitude list 

Aim for a gratitude list that includes at least ten things and share it with someone. You’ll get the double benefit: Realizing you have things to be grateful for and making someone else’s day when they receive your surprise note.

5) Plan a movie excursion

Take yourself out to the year’s Big Movie on Christmas or New Year’s Day. There are always new releases over the holidays, many of which can be streamed at home if you are uncomfortable going to a theater.

If you are up to going out, don’t feel self-conscious about going yourself. Just bring a magazine or e-reader to keep occupied before the movie starts. Once the movie is over, turn to the person next to you and make a positive remark. It’s nice to connect with someone over a shared experience. Or you just might feel better being around people.

6) Attend a Blue Christmas service 

For more than a decade, churches around the nation have been scheduling Blue Christmas services on the day with the least amount of light.

This year, the winter solstice falls on Saturday, December 21. The services are often somber and ecumenical, using candles to acknowledge that many are experiencing pain, loneliness, or grief. You can Google the term “Blue Christmas Services” to see if any are being held in your community.

7) Binge 

Is there a TV series that you’ve missed that everyone else is talking about? Figure out a way to get the series from Netflix or your cable provider and watch consecutive episodes over the course of several days.

Doing so will have the benefit of providing you with conversation fodder to connect with people after the holidays. I’ve fallen in love with subtitled foreign-language films from France and Italy, many of them are streamed on MHz Choice.

8) Dig into a book 

You’re never alone when reading.

Pick out a new book or a cherished favorite at your library or spend some time at a local bookstore. Brew a cup of your favorite beverage and set aside some hours to get lost in a good story.

You can find the best books in your favorite genre just by Googling. I really enjoyed the Elena Ferrante series, My Brilliant Friend, which also aired on HBO.

9) Write it down 

Writing is a creative pastime, and it’s been said that everyone has a book in them. But if the thought of writing a whole book is too daunting, why not start with a poem?

There are dozens of blogs and books about how to get started, including this easy “12 Ways to Write a Poem” from Oprah Magazine. There’s something nice about the freedom of a poem, and thinking in images and metaphors takes you away from you the blahs of a boring or lonely day.

If you aren’t into poetry, take the time to write a thoughtful response to one of the reader posts on this blog.

10) Plan time in the kitchen

Have a yen for cooking? Browse through recipe books or recipes online, and stock up on the ingredients you need to prepare a favorite dish, dessert, or meal. If you don’t like to cook, it’s a great day to go to a Chinese restaurant.

11) Get active 

Don’t make yourself a prisoner in your own home.

Get outside, take a walk and breathe the fresh air. Maybe you will be lucky enough to catch a few rays of sun. Brisk physical activity can lift your spirits, a great thing for body and mind. If you like to ski, the slopes are often empty on Christmas morning.

12) Volunteer to help someone else

Check into opportunities in your community to help people who are worse off than you but don’t wait until the very last minute.

Is there a shelter, soup kitchen or food pantry in your community that needs help over the holidays? Check with Goodwill, Salvation Army, or Union Gospel Mission, or with local religious organizations, police or fire departments.

13) Find someone else who will be alone, too. 

Craving company? Surely, there’s a colleague at work or neighbor who is likely to be spending time alone too.

Perhaps you could plan to do something together. You can check out Meetup.com (searchable by zip code) to see if any other people are planning activities during the holidays.

14) More than down in the dumps? 

The holidays can be especially difficult if you are suffering from depression or getting over a loss. If you are really having a hard time, reach out for help.

If you don’t want to burden people you know, a free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers. In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90. (More than 227,000 people called the Samaritans hotline last Christmas Day.)

And if you are lucky…

If you aren’t the one feeling blue over the holidays but know someone else who is likely to be feeling that way, be sensitive and don’t overdo the merriment and good cheer.

Figure out which friends, relatives, or neighbors you can help and what you can do. Sometimes even a “Hi, I’m thinking of you” phone call reminds someone they aren’t alone and are being thought about. It may be all they need to get over this holiday hump.

Wishing each of you all good wishes for the coming year!

Best, Irene

Special thanks to the crowd of people who helped me come up with all these great ideas: Laura Kelly, Sheryl Kraft, Susan Campbell, Lori Tripoli, Amy Feld, Jackie Humphries Smith, Angela Oddone, Andrea Marcusa, Linda Ligenza, Connie McLeod, Mindy Klapper Trotta, and Jane Gross

Do you feel like you have no friends or family? Do you tend to feel sad around the holidays? Do you have any suggestions to add to this list?

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