Friendless in a new town after moving (credit: Pixabay)

After getting married and moving to the country, a woman finds herself friendless in a new town, without a social circle.

Question

Hi,

In the past year, I have moved away from my family and friends from the city to the country. I moved because I was in a relationship and knew he was the one for me. I kept my job in the city and now commute over 150 miles daily.

Since then, I have gotten married, become a step-mom to four children, bought my first house, and…oh yeah, I have no friends. I feel so down all the time. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I don’t understand why I can’t feel happy.

Since my move, I have found making new friends in the country particularly hard, and I feel friendless in a new town.

Since I’m married and a mom now, I have lost interest in going out to drink and party all night long. That’s what my city friends and I used to do all the time. They no longer want to hang out with me; frankly, the feeling is mutual. I feel like I have no one to talk to in this world. I try to talk to my husband, but he’s not a woman and cannot fill that void.

My family members tell me to make friends with the wives of my husband’s co-workers, but they knew my husband when he was married to his ex-wife (who, by the way, is an incarcerated drug addict.) Whenever we get together with his co-workers and their wives, they always need to mention his ex-wife’s name and ask how she is doing.

I also feel that with the friends I do have, I am always the one who initiates hanging out. My friends (including my best friend from grade school) never called, texted or asked me to do anything. It’s always the other way around. I

I’m confused, sad, mad, tired, stressed, and depressed. I am crying a lot now and feel that this may be starting to affect my relationship with my husband because I’m not myself anymore.

Help, please: Is it normal for me to feel this way? Is it possible that a woman “needs” friends to live a happy and fulfilled life?

Signed, Alison

Answer

Hi Alison,

First of all, you seem completely normal, considering your circumstances. Secondly, you are not alone in your situation!

After a move, it’s common to feel friendless in a new town. This is especially so after a big life change (marriage and instant motherhood in your case).

Do women need friends in order to live a happy and fulfilled life? I would argue that, yes, they do. Many research studies have demonstrated that solid friendships improve mental and physical health and general life satisfaction. The fact that you realize this gap in your life needs to be filled shows how self-aware and intuitive you are.

We need friends in general, and you are spot-on in concluding that your husband can’t meet all of your emotional needs. Expecting him to do so could be harmful to the marriage. As for your particular circumstances, you’re enduring a very long commute, adjusting to a new town, adapting to a new lifestyle, and helping care for four children whose mother is in prison!

That is a lot for any one person to have on her plate. So, yes, you need friends to help you navigate this. Ideally, over time, you will have several close friends and a number of acquaintances in your new town who can bring out different sides of your personality, share many of your interests, and meet your various emotional needs.

But don’t focus on the ideal right now. Concentrate on finding one friend who lives near you with whom you can share some fun and relaxing times and, eventually, deeper feelings and thoughts. All it takes is one authentic friend to make a big difference in your life.

How can you find her? If you’re uncomfortable with your husband’s co-workers’ wives (and I can see why you’re not), try to get out into the community on the weekends as much as you can, and project an open and friendly attitude.

You are feeling down and maybe even depressed right now, so that might feel fake. But the truth is that people will be more likely to strike up a conversation with you if you are lighthearted and warm. Once you start interacting better with people, you’ll feel more energized and like your old self.

Then, if one of those people you meet at a cafe, the library, the farmer’s market (you are in the country after all, right?), or your step-kids school seems like someone you could befriend, go ahead and ask her if she’d like to get coffee sometime.

“I’m new in town and would love to get to know more people” is the perfect excuse. Finding someone with whom you really “click” might take time, but the effort will be worthwhile in the long run. (The time and energy spent on your extra-long commute will cut into your ability to nurture friendships, making this an even greater challenge for you at this point.)

As for your “old” friends and your frustration with being the initiator, think about which of those friends you care most about, and share your feelings with her. Ask her if there is a reason she never reaches out. If she gives you one, listen and consider it rather than lashing out defensively.

It’s possible that there is no reason, and it’s just a pattern you’ve fallen into with your friends. You’ve trained them to rely on you to keep the friendship going. This might be difficult to talk about openly, but it would be better for your closest “old” friend to know how you feel than for you to continue to drown in sadness and resentment. She may very well step things up, allowing you to draw strength from that friendship as you work to make a new one.

Finally, while you attempt to spark at least one new friendship and repair at least one old one, you might want to consider seeing a therapist about your depression.

A friend could make you feel better, yet feeling better could also help you make a friend.

Why not try both tactics at once? (If you choose to do so, I hope you can see a therapist during your lunch break at work so as not to pile on more “tasks” to your already busy schedule.)

Best wishes, and I hope this helps!

Carlin Flora
Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

*Carlin Flora is a friend and colleague of the Friendship Doctor.

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The post Friendless In A New Town appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Irene,

I wonder if you would ever post anything about the effect of socially withdrawn mothers on their daughters’ later friendship lives.

My mother had no close friends (just a cousin she hung around with and still does). In fact, she disdains friendships even though she is in her 60s.

I never had any close friends either. I can’t seem to connect with anyone, preferring to spend time alone, but I would like to be better balanced and have some decent relationships.

I can’t help feeling like my mother set a poor example and that I was “raised by wolves” because my father also only has a couple close friends (he’s down to one close friend, at this point).

Life without friends is HARD, and yet I have spent so much time alone pursuing my own thing by necessity. I have little in common with most women I meet; I spent my whole life reading books and doing creative things.

The more time I spend alone, enriching myself, the harder it is to relate to others in a way that fosters friendship.

I also feel like no women would want to be friends with me because I don’t have a circle of friends with whom they can network. I sense that it’s all about this big square dance of friendship networks and that if I don’t “bring anything to the table” socially, other women won’t want to have much to do with me when they find out who I really am – a solitary woman who doesn’t want to be a full-time loner.

I don’t want to live my mother’s life, yet I don’t have any female role models who are into friendship (even my only aunt, my mother’s sister, is a spinster loner, and my only sibling, a sister, also prefers to keep to herself). How does one break out of a family pattern of isolation?

Signed,
Lucia

ANSWER

Dear Lucia,

People differ along a variety of dimensions, including their interest in and ability to make friends.

For some, connecting with others feels absolutely natural and comes easily. Others find it difficult, if not painful. Some people are content to be left alone; others crave constant contact. Most people would agree that these differences, sometimes even between twins, are due to some combination of nature (genetic traits) and nurture (upbringing).

It sounds like you are shy and introverted, yet you are interested in making some friends. Your biggest roadblock may be your lack of self-confidence. The fact that you “spent your whole life” reading books and doing creative things doesn’t diminish your desirability as a friend; instead, it should enhance it, making you a more interesting person.

Maybe you could find a book or arts or crafts group in your community to use as a training ground to practice your social skills. Participating in a small group instead of one-on-one will allow you to meet people in a safe setting to see if you “click” with anyone in the group.

In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I describe some basic techniques for making new friends. As hokey as it sounds, a smile and sincere expression of interest in another person are the first small steps towards creating a new friend.

Meetup groups are good places to find other people who are interested in the same things as you and who want to affiliate with other people. You could also try signing up for an adult continuing education class at your local high school or community college.

You may feel like you were “raised by wolves,” but it doesn’t matter now. You’re an intelligent adult who is responsible for your own happiness. You must step up to the plate and begin making friends regardless of your family history.

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

The post Raised By Wolves: Is Having No Friends Her Mother’s Fault? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Blue snowflake (credit: PublicDomainPictures on Pixabay)

Wondering how you can get over the holidays without friends or family?

14 Ways to Buoy Your Spirits

Here are some ways to get over the holiday hump when you’re feeling down:

The holiday season can be depressing if you are feeling alone or dispirited with no friends or family and everyone else seems joyous and happy.

But like you, many others have no friends or family nearby, or feel disconnected or estranged from the people around them—or else I wouldn’t be writing this post!

Family ties, like friendships, are often imperfect. People tend to disappoint each other—especially under stress, and when expectations run as high as they do at this time of year. What appears enviable on the outside may not be as appealing if you peeled off the layers and peek inside. Don’t they say that the grass always looks greener?

Keep things in perspective. The decorations will come down, stores will soon start preparing for Valentine’s Day, then President’s Day, and it will be back to business as usual before you know it.

While no advice or suggestion can take away pain if you’re feeling down, I hope that at least one of these 14 crowd-sourced ideas will resonate with you and help you over the holiday hump:

1) Start a new project 

It can be something that can be done in a few hours (organizing that messy hall closet or cleaning an appliance), or maybe one that’ll take several months to complete, like slowly learning a new language online for little or no cost. (See Duolingo.com or Italki.com)

Whether or not you even finish the project, there’s no better feeling than the anticipation of starting something new that excites you.

2) Lighten your load

Get rid of things you don’t need that might be “gifts” to others.

Gather clothes and household objects you no longer use or need and arrange for a pickup by an organization like Goodwill or Purple Heart. Giving and decluttering are both feel-good activities. (This might also get you an end-of-the-year tax deduction.)

3) Have a song in your heart?

On Christmas or New Year’s Day, turn on a radio or other device to play seasonal music and then sing along as loud as you can.

There’s no wrong way to sing a Christmas carol or Auld Lang Syne (or even Elvis’ Blue Christmas). You’ll be smiling before you know it!

4) Compose a gratitude list 

Aim for a gratitude list that includes at least ten things and share it with someone. You’ll get the double benefit: Realizing you have things to be grateful for and making someone else’s day when they receive your surprise note.

5) Plan a movie excursion

Take yourself out to the year’s Big Movie on Christmas or New Year’s Day. There are always new releases over the holidays, many of which can be streamed at home if you are uncomfortable going to a theater.

If you are up to going out, don’t feel self-conscious about going yourself. Just bring a magazine or e-reader to keep occupied before the movie starts. Once the movie is over, turn to the person next to you and make a positive remark. It’s nice to connect with someone over a shared experience. Or you just might feel better being around people.

6) Attend a Blue Christmas service 

For more than a decade, churches around the nation have been scheduling Blue Christmas services on the day with the least amount of light.

This year, the winter solstice falls on Saturday, December 21. The services are often somber and ecumenical, using candles to acknowledge that many are experiencing pain, loneliness, or grief. You can Google the term “Blue Christmas Services” to see if any are being held in your community.

7) Binge 

Is there a TV series that you’ve missed that everyone else is talking about? Figure out a way to get the series from Netflix or your cable provider and watch consecutive episodes over the course of several days.

Doing so will have the benefit of providing you with conversation fodder to connect with people after the holidays. I’ve fallen in love with subtitled foreign-language films from France and Italy, many of them are streamed on MHz Choice.

8) Dig into a book 

You’re never alone when reading.

Pick out a new book or a cherished favorite at your library or spend some time at a local bookstore. Brew a cup of your favorite beverage and set aside some hours to get lost in a good story.

You can find the best books in your favorite genre just by Googling. I really enjoyed the Elena Ferrante series, My Brilliant Friend, which also aired on HBO.

9) Write it down 

Writing is a creative pastime, and it’s been said that everyone has a book in them. But if the thought of writing a whole book is too daunting, why not start with a poem?

There are dozens of blogs and books about how to get started, including this easy “12 Ways to Write a Poem” from Oprah Magazine. There’s something nice about the freedom of a poem, and thinking in images and metaphors takes you away from you the blahs of a boring or lonely day.

If you aren’t into poetry, take the time to write a thoughtful response to one of the reader posts on this blog.

10) Plan time in the kitchen

Have a yen for cooking? Browse through recipe books or recipes online, and stock up on the ingredients you need to prepare a favorite dish, dessert, or meal. If you don’t like to cook, it’s a great day to go to a Chinese restaurant.

11) Get active 

Don’t make yourself a prisoner in your own home.

Get outside, take a walk and breathe the fresh air. Maybe you will be lucky enough to catch a few rays of sun. Brisk physical activity can lift your spirits, a great thing for body and mind. If you like to ski, the slopes are often empty on Christmas morning.

12) Volunteer to help someone else

Check into opportunities in your community to help people who are worse off than you but don’t wait until the very last minute.

Is there a shelter, soup kitchen or food pantry in your community that needs help over the holidays? Check with Goodwill, Salvation Army, or Union Gospel Mission, or with local religious organizations, police or fire departments.

13) Find someone else who will be alone, too. 

Craving company? Surely, there’s a colleague at work or neighbor who is likely to be spending time alone too.

Perhaps you could plan to do something together. You can check out Meetup.com (searchable by zip code) to see if any other people are planning activities during the holidays.

14) More than down in the dumps? 

The holidays can be especially difficult if you are suffering from depression or getting over a loss. If you are really having a hard time, reach out for help.

If you don’t want to burden people you know, a free 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) is available to people in crisis at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Calls are routed to local crisis centers. In the UK or Ireland, Samaritans offers confidential support at 08457 90 90 90. (More than 227,000 people called the Samaritans hotline last Christmas Day.)

And if you are lucky…

If you aren’t the one feeling blue over the holidays but know someone else who is likely to be feeling that way, be sensitive and don’t overdo the merriment and good cheer.

Figure out which friends, relatives, or neighbors you can help and what you can do. Sometimes even a “Hi, I’m thinking of you” phone call reminds someone they aren’t alone and are being thought about. It may be all they need to get over this holiday hump.

Wishing each of you all good wishes for the coming year!

Best, Irene

Special thanks to the crowd of people who helped me come up with all these great ideas: Laura Kelly, Sheryl Kraft, Susan Campbell, Lori Tripoli, Amy Feld, Jackie Humphries Smith, Angela Oddone, Andrea Marcusa, Linda Ligenza, Connie McLeod, Mindy Klapper Trotta, and Jane Gross

Do you feel like you have no friends or family? Do you tend to feel sad around the holidays? Do you have any suggestions to add to this list?

The post How To Get Over The Holidays With No Friends or Family appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

A few weeks ago I started high school. These have been the hardest weeks of my life (for your information, high school for me is 7th through the 12th year).

It has taken some time to get used to changing classrooms and I have gotten mixed up many times. With the load of books we always have to carry, I come home with sore shoulders every day. But the hardest thing of all is making friends. 

A few of my primary school friends are in the same school as me. For the first two weeks of school, we ate lunch together and talked but then they found new friends and moved on. 

I’ve tried making friends with other people in my classes but they made it clear I wasn’t welcome. And I’ve tried connecting to my friends’ friends but they just think of me as someone they know. 

Things have gotten so bad that I just go to the library every break and read or do something on my laptop. I’ve talked to my mum about it but she just says that “when the right time comes I’ll make friends.”

I don’t know if my problem is that I put people off. Every day is a struggle to go to school, especially with my anxiety. It feels like people are just ignoring me. I also can’t say one sentence without saying “um” or messing up a word. I’d really appreciate it if you wrote back as I don’t know what to do now.

Signed, Cherise

ANSWER

Hi Cherise,

Starting high school is a stressful time for almost everyone. I’m sorry you’re having trouble making friends and feel like you have no friends in high school. 

A few weeks is a short time to have made new friends and for you, it sounds like your anxiety is increasing rather than decreasing. If you aren’t already seeing a private therapist or counselor for your anxiety, now would be a great time to restart those sessions. 

A therapist can help you manage your anxiety in specific situations surrounding making friends so that you’ll be projecting confidence and strength. 

We all spend more time thinking about ourselves than others spend thinking about us. It’s likely no one else is noticing when you say “um,: though they may pick up that you’re nervous from your body language. 

Anxiety is a medical problem that deserves proper treatment the same way if you had a broken arm you would seek professional help for your healing. 

At the same time, look for other kids sitting alone at lunch or those who seem like they might need a friend and join them. They’ll probably appreciate it. 

Hope this helps.

Signed, Amy Feld

Read more on The Friendship Blog 

• No Friends in High School: What Am I Doing Wrong?

• Lonely in High School

The post No Friends in High School: Feeling Anxious appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My daughter is 14 years old. She is very bright and is in the top third in all her classes. She is also involved in a music group, does drama, teaches music to younger children, sports, dancing, and ballet—a general all-rounder. However, I worry as she has no close friends and she feels very much like an outcast at school.

I have discussed this with her to get a picture of how she gets on with others. She is very friendly and is well thought of by adults so I can’t figure out what the problem is with her peers. She has friends that she hangs out with occasionally but she always has to go to them or make the suggestion to meet up. No one ever comes looking for her. She is very conscious of everyone having a clique or a close friend and does not want to impose herself on others.

Last weekend she suggested a sleepover to two girls who are involved in her drama and music group and are also in her class but they said they weren’t free. The following day, one of them asked the other to have a sleepover at her house that weekend in front of my daughter. It is breaking my heart to see her so sad.

I really hoped that when she went to high school friendships would not be a problem anymore. She was bullied for four years in her primary school and though there were only 6 girls in her class back then, she did not have any close friendships there either, even though they all (including the girl who bullied her) came to her birthday parties and sleepovers.

I am at a loss as to how to help her through this, as I feel by bringing up the subject, I am reminding her that she is an outcast with few real friends. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me.

Regards
Tricia

ANSWER

Dear Tricia,

You mentioned that your daughter was bullied for four years in primary school. One possibility is that the abuse she experienced during those years has left a lingering emotional scar. It’s common for kids who are bullied to become fearful and anxious. It may have lowered your daughter’s self-esteem and made her hesitant in her relationships with other teens.

While your daughter seems to be otherwise well-adjusted, you are reporting a history of difficult relationships with friends that has persisted and gone on for many years. On that basis, my sense is that she might benefit from some focused short-term counseling to better evaluate and define the specific problems she is having and to give her the tools she needs to foster healthy friendships. There may even be someone at her school (perhaps, a social worker, guidance counselor, or psychologist) who could be a resource. This can help her get over her hurt and move forward. In addition, it will help allay some of the anxiety you’re feeling because you’ll have someone else providing advice and support.

I understand how badly you feel. Adolescent girls can be brutal and they may be playing on your daughter’s anxieties.

At a relaxed time, not during a crisis:

• Sit down with your daughter and ask her what she thinks is going on.

• Listen and be supportive. Validate her feelings.

• Let her know that she is not alone; many teens feel like an outcast during the middle and high school years.

• Remind her of her strengths.

• Raise the idea of her speaking to a third person who has more experience than you do in situations like this

I suspect your daughter is aware of her problems and will be open to the idea of speaking with a trained professional once you open that door.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Other posts on The Friendship Blog about Teen Friendships: 

• The Bad Friend: What’s a Mom to Do?
• Girl Talk: Too Much of a Good Thing?
• Middle School Frenemies: Why are Girls so Mean?
• Can this teen friendship be saved?

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter

This post has been updated and revised.

The post My Daughter Feels Like An Outcast At School: What Should I Do? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Churches around the nation have been doing the same for more than a decade, traditionally scheduling these services on the day with the least amount of light. This year, the winter solstice falls on Tuesday, December 21. The services are often somber and ecumenical, using candles to acknowledge that many are experiencing pain, loneliness, or grief. The number of churches offering these services has been growing.

Unfortunately, this year, we all probably know at least one person who’ll be experiencing a Blue Christmas. The COVID pandemic turndown has resulted in so many losses: jobs, homes, and a sense of financial security and personal safety.

Millions have experienced personal health crises, and illness and deaths among people close to them. The pandemic has curtailed opportunities to spend in-person time with family, friends, and co-workers. Just when we were on the cusp of feeling comfortable with vaccinations and boosters, we were faced with the threat of Omicron.

If you know someone who is likely to feel blue over the holidays, be sensitive and don’t overdo the merriment and good cheer.

Figure out which friends, relatives, or neighbors you can help and what you can do. Sometimes even a “Hi, I’m thinking of you” phone call helps. Reminding them they aren’t alone may be all they need to get over this holiday hump.

If you are the one feeling down, here are some tips for Getting Over The Holidays With No Friends Or Family.

Listen to Elvis’ rendition of Blue Christmas on YouTube

*This post was previously published but has been revised and updated.

The post Blue Christmas: When Red and Green Make Blue appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have a very close friend that I have known for 18 years. We have never had a fight or disagreement over that time. I think this is because I have a go-with-the-flow personality and let lots of things roll off my back. I try to keep a positive attitude. We would talk at least two times a day every day, went on vacations together, and her husband did things with my husband as well as us doing couple dates.

Throughout the friendship, she asked me to help in many ways. one example: Our girls went to school together and she would ask me to give rides home to her daughter, stepdaughter, and another girl that she agreed to carpool with. This was not a problem until it became a habit, not to mention I had to take all three girls to three different homes.

When she would return the favor she would take my daughter to her house and ask me to pick her up there. I finally realized that I was allowing her to take advantage of my friendship and started saying, “No, I can’t help you out.”

Second example: She invited herself and her daughter to stay in a hotel with my daughter and me. She told me they had a place to stay but that lots of drama was going on with her daughter’s friends and she didn’t want her daughter to stay in the same house with the other girls. The next thing I knew, she had invited herself and her daughter to stay in our hotel. She also had the nerve to say, “OK, I will pay for gas and go in half on groceries (as if that covered the cost of them staying with us). When I asked her for half of the hotel cost, her response was that she would pay for gas for the trip home and that would make us even.

She and her husband always ask to use our lake house in the summer but then make negative comments about the rules that we have for using our home and she doesn’t follow them. When I bring this to her attention she puts the blame on one of her family members that stayed with them at the house. Since that time, I now tell her that my family will be using the house more often over the summer but then she makes comments that we have not invited her and her husband to stay with us. I then let her know that we have invited a few of my family members and that she is more than welcome to pop a tent up outside but she said she can’t sleep on the ground because it hurts her back.

Over the last three years, I’ve reached my limit in allowing her to take advantage of my husband. me and our kindness. But because my husband is friends with her husband, he asked me to not bring up everything that is bothering me about our friendship because he thinks it could make things turn out bad for all four of us.

The last example: My husband and I bought a new house. She wanted to know what the moving plans were so she and her husband could help. But when it came to the moving day, we didn’t hear from them. A few weeks after we moved, she and her husband had decided to sell their house before having another one to move into. She made it a point to tell me that she was packing without any help from anyone but then would post comments on Facebook thanking different friends for all the help. I was not able to help her due to getting our house in order as well as helping my dad out with his illness. She also went out of her way to tell me that her other friend didn’t want to see her and her husband in the street with no place to live and that her family would be moving into her friend’s basement and could stay as long as they needed to. My response was “Great, I am glad she is able to help you guys out.”

This leads me to where I am now. I have chosen to put distance between us. I make excuses for not doing things with her. I got to the point that I didn’t answer her calls or would tell her that my phone was not working (which was the case for a short time). There were many times that she would tell me that she was concerned about me and I played it off that it was my hormones. The last time we spoke she said, “Well, I know I haven’t done anything wrong.” This would have been the perfect time to express my feelings but I was trying to respect my husband’s wishes to not tell her how I’ve felt about so many things over the years.

She still calls or sends me texts once a week. I don’t call her back or even respond. Today she dropped a birthday gift off at my door for my daughter and me. I don’t want the gift or anything from her. She has called my sister and another close friend of mine (The friend she called is someone that she doesn’t even like) asking them questions about me. I am done with allowing her to take advantage of our friendship.

There are many more examples that explain why I am at the place I am with this friendship but I think you get the idea. I am the type of person that when pushed to a certain limit, I am done. There is a part of me that feels like, after this long friendship, she deserves an answer to why I want to end this friendship. On the other hand, she never thinks she does anything wrong. I have thought about seeking counsel over this but I have decided that I just need to move on without being friends.

My husband has a hard time accepting that I want to end the friendship. I feel that even if I did decide to tell her how I have been feeling over the years, I am okay with not continuing the friendship. I feel like our friendship isn’t balanced and I feel smothered by her. It is to the point that I get anxious when her name comes up. I don’t want to allow any person to have that control over me. I am open to any advice that you can give. Thanks.

Signed, Randi

ANSWER

Hi Randi,

You probably deserve an endurance award for staying in this relationship as long as you have! Not everyone would be willing to persevere with a controlling friend who is unwilling to respect boundaries.

My guess is that at this point, it would be virtually impossible to try to change the way your friend treats you. So I understand your wanting to ease out of the friendship.

Your husband’s desire to remain friends with her husband does complicate this situation. Does he expect you to maintain a relationship as a couple? Given how clear you feel about ending this friendship, I think you need to tell your husband that you aren’t going to rock the boat by confronting this friend about past misdemeanors but you have no interest in getting together with her, either as an individual or as a couple.

It’s never easy to end a long friendship, especially if the decision to end it is one-sided.

Given the length of the friendship and your husband’s relationship with her husband, it would make it easier for everyone if you let her know explicitly that you’ve had a hard time with the relationship for many years, and just feel you need to step back. Tell her that it has more to do with you than it does with her. Don’t go into details or offer examples.

It sounds like you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from this long friendship and will be more vocal in the future to avoid getting trapped in similar situations.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Also on The Friendship Blog:https://www.thefriendshipblog.com/how-to-break-up-with-a-friend-the-rules/

Getting Out Of A Sticky Friendship

How To Break Up With A Friend: The Rules

The post A Woman Asks How To End A Very Long Friendship appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’m 67, married 46 years to my ‘best friend’ — we’ve always communicated well and have a lot of fun. We’re both retired; he is doing some research he never had time for when he worked. I do a little writing, reading, puttering around the garden, etc.

We have some casual friends we see occasionally, but neither of us is a joiner nor do we care much anymore about ‘getting out’ with other couples or entertaining. Until recently, I’ve always had at least one good friend (sometimes more) “outside the home” whom I could meet for coffee or lunch and a chat.

I sometimes think I would still like somebody like that in my life. However, over the last few years, I’ve gradually let all my close friendships go. I’ve just gotten tired of everybody. It feels like close friendships are more trouble than they’re worth.

One friend was someone who gradually seemed to be happy only when she could impart her superior knowledge; whenever I actually knew something about a subject, she lost interest. Another friend liked to tell me what to do and began to start arguments over the least thing.

Another friend has a chronic illness and whines and complains about everything all the time. I have tried for a long time to be a good friend to her, but finally, I just couldn’t stand listening to all of that.

I did have a good male friend (platonic; he was married also) who passed on a few years ago. I do miss him. Our friendship did not have the problems that female friendships so often (not always) seem to have.

Each of my women friends has — or had — good qualities, but ultimately, the positive didn’t outweigh the negative. Is my laziness in trying to make new (better, more compatible) friends an aging thing?

I’m pretty content with my life. I get out to run errands, etc., enjoy chatting with shopkeepers (we live in a small town), saying ‘Hi’ to neighbors, reading occasionally to my daughter-in-law’s mother (who is sight-impaired), and babysitting the grands one day/week. But that’s it.

It seems like something is missing. I would like to meet a good friend for coffee. But I no longer have a good friend and feel like I don’t have the energy or interest in trying to find one, only to have to deal with yet another overwrought female friendship.

Signed, Inertia

ANSWER

Hi Inertia,

You are very lucky to still consider your husband your best friend after all these years.

Yes, as we age, it seems that friends often go their separate ways for a variety of reasons, including health issues. But friendship and aging are not mutually exclusive. It’s never too late to make new friends.

You “let go” of some friendships after deciding that they were more trouble than they were worth. This seems reasonable and happens from time to time. Friends should enhance our lives, not detract from them.

You are fortunate, too, because it sounds like your life is full and you are enjoying yourself.

Yet, clearly, you have reached a stage where you feel like you are missing a girlfriend. Since you feel this desire, you have to start somewhere. Why not ask one of your casual friends to go for coffee or one of your neighbors that you like to go for a walk?

I don’t believe your reluctance stems from laziness. Rather, it sounds like you have given up on female friendships, deciding that nothing will come of any efforts you make. Instead, why not give yourself and one of these casual friends a chance? I suspect that you are also wiser at choosing friends than you were in the past.

You may be surprised at the outcome of your efforts. One or more of these relationships with acquaintances might deepen. And worse comes to worst, you can keep these acquaintances at the same superficial level.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

The post Friendship and Aging: Is Losing Interest In Friends An Aging Thing? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

When my wife passed away last year, I was a bit surprised at some friends who suddenly dropped off the radar after her death and seemed to have lost all interest in me.

I’m not sure why this happened. Is there anything I can do about it? I’m lonely and really could use some of those supports now.

Henry

ANSWER

Hi Henry,

I’m so sorry to hear of your wife’s passing. The death of a partner is hard but especially during a pandemic when even grieving rituals are disrupted. 

Even under ordinary circumstances, deaths tend to make people feel uncomfortable. People aren’t quite sure what to say, or how and when to express themselves to the bereaved. In fact, they may feel so awkward that they disappoint us and wind up saying (and /or doing) nothing.

In the past, many other readers have written about similar experiences. They talk about how their friends seemed to have abandoned them after the death of a partner or spouse. The reasons can be varied:

• In some cases, the friends thought of the husband and wife as “couple friends” with whom they socialized in a pair and considered the death the end of that.

• A spouse (in your case, another husband) may see the surviving partner as a threat to his relationship with his wife (even without any logical reason for feeling that way).

• Also, your other friends may be struggling with their own grief over the loss of your wife and their friend.

If these friendships were meaningful to you and you miss them, don’t stand on ceremony. Either reach out to them individually or as couples and tell them how much their friendship has meant to you over the years. Suggest a get-together.

If you feel hurt or don’t have the inclination to resurrect these relationships, try to develop new friendships. Often socializing falls to women in many relationships and you might not be used to being an initiator. 

For some singles, reaching out to a couple can be daunting. Are there any single friends you already know whose companionship appeals to you? Alternatively, or in addition, maybe you want to start out slowly as you venture out as a single person; volunteering is always a nice and non-threatening way to put yourself in contact with other people who share your values.

Again, I know this is a huge loss that is tough to get over. Getting back to socializing with friends can take some time. I hope this helps a little.

Best, Irene 

The post Abandoned By Friends After Death Of A Partner  appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Ciao Irene,

No getting around the truth….I will be 69 years old soon, and I have no friends.

Looking at my life in totality, I have always been independent. In college and in my professional life, I had many acquaintances and a few very close friends. Most of my close friends were older by at least ten years or more. Sadly, for me, they have all passed away. 

My dearest friend for over 40 years was my age. We went through college together, worked together, had marriages, divorces and I am the godmother to her grandchildren. She passed away five years ago. I have no children, no family left and have been more or less a recluse for four years. 

Always one who enjoyed my alone time as my profession as a therapist involved being there for others to listen and support them in their journey. I needed time to decompress as I tended towards being too empathetic. It seemed I couldn’t fully engage with my own feelings, but I could feel very deeply the pain and confusion of my patients. After so many years, I just was so saturated with the angsts of those around me.

I retired. Like most, I wore a mask of being one who could handle anything. These last four years I just refuse to wear the mask. I was on the witty and funny side and could make people laugh. No comedy to depend on anymore, I found it hard to connect for any length of time with anyone. I get it…..I just don’t like it. 

Loneliness is not exactly what I feel. It’s the lack of connection. Either I really don’t want to connect because it’s too difficult or I just can’t connect anymore. Tried many things, I have to get involved again with people and life. 

The result wasn’t promising or enjoyable. I sometimes wonder if I still exist, as I now envision myself as being almost invisible to others. My sense is that many, many people are in a state of invisibility and disconnect. It’s a sign of our times. People wave, but nobody waves back. 

Thank you for listening

Maria

ANSWER

Hi Maria,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so alone and disconnected. Although you haven’t mentioned it, the pandemic has exacerbated these feelings for many people, especially people who live alone. When people are working, particularly in the helping professions, they have many opportunities to connect with people during the course of a day. You also may have had contacts with co-workers, too. In fact, therapists sometimes complain of too-much-people-contact. Your life has changed totally.

When people retire, they suddenly lose a bunch of connections in the workplace. You also mention that you had older friends who passed away, A string of losses like that can be very hard to adjust to.

No simple answer can solve your dilemma but a few thoughts come to mind:

• Try to spend as much time outdoors as you can on walks or hikes (with a mask, and practicing social distancing, of course) because seizing such opportunities to see neighbors or even people in the supermarket can help you feel more connected to your neighborhood.

• Can you use this time to nurture interests or talents you didn’t have time to pursue while working? Perhaps, you can take one of the many free online experiences now available through museums, destinations, cultural institutions, and such.

• Try not to limit your contacts to people who are the same age as you. Just as you drifted to older friends in the past, many people younger than you may welcome having someone more mature to speak to. And rest assured, feeling disconnected right now isn’t confined to those over the age of 65.

You talk about wearing a metaphorical mask in the past but now, we are all (hopefully) wearing masks to protect ourselves from getting close to others. Thus, It’s a challenging time to make new friends but not one that is impossible.

This previous post on The Friendship Blog: How to Make New Friends During the Coronavirus Pandemic might offer some useful ideas.

I also maintain a Facebook Group called FriendshipRules, which could be a place to meet other people who are seeking connections too. Why don’t you introduce yourself there?

Hope this is a bit helpful. Hang in there!

My best, Irene

The post Retired and Feeling Disconnected appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Weiner defined a “quarantine bubble” (also called a coronavirus bubble) as follows: A group of individuals or families whose members have been safely quarantining and who can now start hanging out with other observant groups, so long as the families observe safety guidelines and agree to be exclusive.

The social perils of self-isolation

The pandemic has thrown almost every aspect of life topsy-turvy, especially our social lives because aside from hand-washing and wearing masks, maintaining physical distance from friends and family members is one of the only things we can do to protect ourselves from catching the virus. Social distancing also offers a modicum of control in a situation that renders most of us powerless.

But this physical separation has left single people feeling isolated, husbands and wives getting on each other’s nerves because of being cooped up together without other social outlets, and children and adolescents yearning to see their peers in real life rather than only from behind computer screens. 

Grandparents are separated from their children and grandchildren and in many homes, empty nests have suddenly filled up with young people back from closed colleges or fleeing their urban apartments to work remotely with their folks and siblings. 

As a baby step towards socializing more freely, some countries in Europe are experimenting with different types of coronavirus bubbles. Several friends I know are planning bubbles of their own at summer rentals in the Hamptons or winter getaways in Florida, either with other couples, families or another single person. 

Isolation can exacerbate depression and anxiety.

Considerations before creating or joining a coronavirus bubble

Here are some considerations if you are thinking about how viable a coronavirus bubble (or social pod) might be for you:

1- Decide whether it’s something you really want

Sure, everyone wants to get back to the old “normal” and relax with other people. We all feel a sense of isolation, that is probably most acute for adults who live alone and only-children who yearn for companionship.

Our individual needs for others vary, too, based on our pre-pandemic temperaments and personalities. Some of us are innately more social and get energized from being with others; others are perfectly comfortable staying at home. In fact, life now (for some) may not be that much different than life before everyone was urged to stay-at-home.

There are some real functional reasons to bubble-up with others, too. Because of health or age, some may want to pair up with friends or family members who can help them shoulder the burdens of daily living (e.g. shopping and other chores). Working parents may welcome the opportunity to offer their kids safe “play dates” in a two-family-or-more bubble so they can focus on their jobs without the burdens of juggling work, childcare and homeschooling. 

But hanging out with others—even one other individual—ups the risk of contracting the virus. So it’s prudent to carefully evaluate whether the benefits outweigh the risks in your particular situation.

2- Have the talk

Before you commit, talk to the other parties who will be brought into the bubble. For families, the two parents will probably want to discuss the idea with each other before they broach it with children. If you are a single person, you’ll similarly want to have an exploratory, no-obligation discussion with the other person(s).

Being involved in a bubble is an all-in or all-out decision so everyone has to agree or it’s a no-go. 

3- Choose the members of your coronavirus bubble—carefully

Sometimes, a bubble evolves naturally. It might be two families who travel together often, whose children play well together and almost feel like cousins. Other times, it may be two besties who just seem to “click” and usually spend most of their time together (under more usual circumstances). Or it might be two lovers who wonder why they are living separate lives. (Some people are already quarantine-bubbling together and never realized the phenomenon had a name!) 

Other times, the choice of whom to bubble with requires more deliberation and soul-searching. 

Regardless of how the choice comes to be, you’ll need to make sure that you have similar values about risk-taking and that you completely trust that the other individuals will take the same precautions as you. Your life depends on it!  If one person inadvertently introduces the virus into the bubble by not playing by the rules, everyone else in the bubble is at risk.

4- Lay out the rules

Before you get together, you’ll want to agree on the rules and make sure everyone buys into them.

• Is it okay for one individual in the group to go to the grocery store? To work outside the home? 

• Is it okay for one participant to have a housekeeper come into their house? A repairman?

• What are the expectations re: hand washing? Wearing of masks indoors? 

• What will happen if there is a transgression and someone violates “the rules?” Will that mean the end of the bubble or will there be second chances?

• Will the group be open at some future time to broadening the bubble to include other people?

If everyone can’t agree on the rules upfront, it’s likely that there will be more serious disagreements later on.

5- Don’t broadcast

As Weiner points out, by nature, a bubble is exclusionary so other people who are not included are likely to feel jealous or left out. For this reason, it’s probably not a good idea to post photos on Facebook or Instagram about the good times you’re having while others are still feeling lonely. After all, aren’t you doing this, at least in part, because you want to get away from virtual engagement and zoom parties?

If there are family members or very close friends you feel you should tell about your bubble, be sure to communicate with them beforehand rather than them finding out after the fact. It’s less likely to cause hurt. Reaffirm how much you value their friendship and explain the logic of your choice right now.

Have you been in a coronavirus bubble? How would you feel about being in one?

The post Would Life Be Sweeter In A Coronavirus Bubble? It Depends. appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

A new app promises to make young people feel more comfortable in school cafeterias.

Ask many teens and tweens what they dread most about school and they’ll respond, “Lunch.” That may seem surprising but school cafeterias have long been places where loners and shy students feel especially vulnerable. Everyone else seems to have lunch companions. In some instances, lunchroom loners even experience bullying.

Sasha, a visitor to The Friendship Blog shares her experience:

“I sat alone at a table. I felt so stupid and embarrassed that I didn’t eat and just sat there on my phone for what felt like hours.” (Trouble Finding Friends in the School Lunchroom, 12/16)

There’s an app for that

One teenager has invented an app to solve the conundrum of sitting alone. It’s called Sit With Us. Creator Natalie Hampton explains in the app description, “Apart from the verbal taunts and violence, one of the worst things was having to eat lunch alone, and the embarrassment of having others see me eating lunch alone.” After she changed schools, she began inviting those sitting alone to join her.

Users of the app are student leaders who serve as “ambassadors” and discreetly invite loners to join their tables. Sit With Us has a welcoming kit to assist ambassadors in reaching out.

Chelsea is another teen who could have used the app. After falling out with her friend, she found herself alone at lunch near the end of the school year.

“But now I am friendless…I sit by myself at the lunch table because all the other people that I am friends with have tight groups already and it’s just hard to accept someone at the end of the year, like me, who is moving away anyway (Middle School Friendships Can Be Trying, 04/16).” 

Young men experience lunchroom anxiety, too. One writes: “In my sophomore year I was very lonely eating lunches by myself. Every day I would dread lunch because everybody had a friend or someone to talk to while I sat by myself. The problem is that my moving around from place to place has messed up my social life.”

Could your school use the app?

Sit With Us could also be used by shy kids who have yet to develop leadership skills, those wanting to seek out others in similar circumstances. For some, the app can be a safer gateway toward friendship than starting a conversation face-to-face.

Educators and guidance counselors at schools can spearhead the ambassador program as faculty advisors, implementing a school club around the app. Sit With Us also has offline, nondigital instructions.

App creator Natalie Hampton has received national recognition for Sit With Us. She was even asked to speak to Harvard University education students. Her story from being bullied in middle school to becoming a national advocate shows how one person can made a difference. The success of her app proves that young people care about their peers and preventing bullying.

The future is in good hands with teens like Natalie and the app Ambassadors, making lunchtime at school cafeterias a better experience and creating friendships along the way.

Sit With Us is available in the iTunes store and on Google Play.

The post Making school cafeterias more friendly: There’s an app for that appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

Hi there! So I have a question about not really having any friends. I am 27 years old and have struggled with this for probably about 10 years. I am also happily married, and I’ve asked my husband more than once if he thinks that it’s due to severe character flaws or personality traits that make people uncomfortable and he doesn’t think so. However, I just don’t seem to be able to keep any friends, so it seems like there must be something. It always feels like the people who I think are my friends are way more important to me than I am to them.

I do tend to have some social anxiety at times and I worry about how I come across a lot, partially due to years of embarrassing experiences. However, I am also a music teacher and have been teaching private lessons for 12 years and I’ve had a lot of experience with being friendly, engaging, and thoughtful. I would like to believe that means my social skills are decent, but I just don’t know what to think anymore.

None of the girlfriends I’ve had over the past few years contact me, and I don’t contact them anymore because I’m just so tired of the years of me being the one to do the contacting and I know very well they all have other friends that they hang out with and apparently care more about. Before I got married, and even sometimes now, it seems like I can’t have any platonic guy friends (or even casually happen to look at a guy simply because I’m in a room crowded with people) because they think I like them. Granted, this is an assumption mostly from what I can tell from body language and that I was not treated the same way other platonic girl friends were.

At this point though, I’ve given up trying to have any friends except for my husband, who is my best friend, of course! But between my work and my husband and my immediate family members who live in the same town as me and are kind of needy (my family was very dysfunctional when I was growing up, by the way, so don’t take that to mean I don’t care about them. It’s just stressful trying to have boundaries and be there for them at the same time), I don’t really feel like I have time anyway. I still feel sad though because I’m just tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know why or what I did. And as an aside, my husband and my family would all say that I’m a very caring and giving person, and in thinking back, the people who I’ve thought were my friends have said that at some point as well.

So, I guess I don’t really know why I’m writing this. It seems that something about my personality if off-putting to most people and I can’t keep friends, but I can’t tell what it is. I know in reading this letter you probably won’t be able to tell either, but if there are any thoughts you do have about what I could do differently, I would appreciate it very much.

Signed, Mia

ANSWER

Hi Mia,

So many aspects of your life seem to be fulfilling: You have a good marriage; a job you enjoy doing and at which you are successful; and have reached acceptance and established realistic boundaries about having an imperfect family.

Your friendship problems seem to be long-standing and it’s hard to guess why you haven’t been able to keep friends. Sometimes, when people are very shy and anxious, others interpret their behavior and mannerisms as being standoffish and disinterested. But it sounds like you have good insight and go out of your way to act friendly and engaging.

Your comment about guys looking at you romantically rather than platonically is one thing that stands out in your letter. Could it be that you dress or act provocatively? This might be something that would make men attentive in a way that’s uncomfortable for you and also turn off other women.

Despite your disappointments, I hope you won’t give up on trying to make new friends (which doesn’t appear to be a problem for you) and maintaining relationships once they’re made (which seems to be what’s vexing you). While you are fortunate to have a husband who is also a friend, husbands aren’t a substitute for female companionship.

Given your situation, one possibility would be to make an effort to reconnect with one or more friends who have disappeared. Suggest meeting for coffee and find out what one of your old friends has been up to. I realize that this may be out of your comfort zone because you feel as if they have rejected you. But a friend’s disappearance may have nothing to do with you, per se. It may have been that she’s been busy, has many more friends than you do, or isn’t an “initiator.”

At the end of your get-together, express interest in getting together again. If the other person doesn’t pick up on it, contact her after a few weeks have passed. Repeat the same process with someone else. If you feel comfortable doing so, you might even share your problem with one of these individuals and ask whether you’ve done anything that has annoyed them.

It also might be worthwhile to speak to a counselor or mental health professional, someone who could give you some honest feedback about your personality knowing you in-vivo.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

• A late-life mom has trouble making friends
• Can’t make friends at work or church
• More than shy: Could it be social anxiety?

The post Struggling to keep friends appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

My son and his wife took overseas jobs nine years ago for what I thought was an adventure they wanted to live out in their late twenties before family, etc. After eight years, they took jobs back in our home state. In less than a year they accepted jobs again in Europe.

My son just set me straight in a recent phone call to make sure that I accept the fact that they have chosen this as a permanent career move. During these past nine years, they have had their two children who are now 5 and 8. It feels SO HEAVY. I am really SO disappointed.

I have had to deal with clinical depression for most of the past 20 years. I’ve been doing well. However, for the past couple of years, life in general is much richer and much less complicated when I’m not on medication. But this new reality has created a sense loss that I just can’t shake it off.

I found your blog today in a search about loneliness as a grandparent. I can hardly believe that this describes me. I’m only 65, married, and retired from a successful career in teaching and sales. My retirement was over five years ago now so I should be adjusted to that but I do admit I miss the stimulation of my career. I have three sons, two of whom are stateside with their families, but nonetheless, we don’t see them but every few months.

Signed, Maria

ANSWER

Hi Maria,

When people retire, their social worlds often constrict as they lose day-to-day contact with workplace colleagues. If you were in sales and teaching, your work life must have been filled with people.

Some retirees find pleasure in individual hobbies and pursuits. Others crave interaction and make efforts to stay actively involved with co-workers, friends and/or family.

Coming to terms with an adult child (and family) who decides to relocate overseas can be an unexpected jolt—even if you understand the basis for his decision intellectually and realize that your offspring need to live their own lives.

Every life transition, including this one precipitated by your son’s permanent move, requires a mental adjustment. Do you have the energy to reach out and engage with other people aside from your immediate family to distract yourself and fill empty hours? Do you have any interests that you want to pursue?

Disappointment is understandable but if you feel a profound sense of loss that doesn’t abate with time—especially given your long history of clinical depression—you may want to check in with a mental health professional to see if your depression is making the loss that much harder to adapt to.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

The post Loneliness as a grandparent appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

Let me start by saying that I am on meds and have seen my fair share of therapists over the years…and I’m in the same rut.

I am a single mom of a teenager daughter (we have a great relationship) and have a long-term boyfriend (not a very happy relationship).

For most, if not all of my life, I haven’t really had friends. I never moved except when attending university. Now I’m in my mid 40s, alone and miserable. I’ve looked at various things such as volunteering or a MeetUp groups and they just don’t appeal to me. I don’t really have any hobbies either.

Any feedback would be appreciated…I’m just so down and out.

Signed, Beth

ANSWER

Hi Beth,

I’m sorry that things feel so bleak for you right now. It sounds like you’ve raised a great daughter and have a companion, although that relationship may be imperfect.

Having few or no outside interests is common among people plagued with depression. Depression can sap a person’s energy so nothing and no one seems appealing.

Given how you feel, it’s understandable that you would be unable to motivate yourself to change your social situation, in terms of making a friend or two, or improving/changing your relationship with your boyfriend.

Since you are already in treatment, it might be helpful to have your medication/psychotherapy regimen reviewed to see what else can be done to give you the spark you are missing. If you have lost confidence in the person treating you, you might even want to get a second opinion from someone who can look at your situation with fresh eyes.

This might be the single most important step you can take to get out of that rut you are in. It’s encouraging that you were able to reach out to me and others on this blog.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

The post In a rut and unable to make friends appeared first on The Friendship Blog.