You sound every bit as mature and reasonable as the writer of the letter:-) Often the relationships between exes gets cantankerous and people aren’t quite as rational as the other poster.

Maybe your fiance just needs some time to work up the courage to speak to his ex—he may have a better sense than you of how and when to broach it with her.

You’re definitely right in deferring to him as the parent—but I’m sure he values your thoughts and input. Continue to speak with him about this important issue and if you find yourself struggling, you and he may want to speak to a neutral party.

Best of luck!

Irene 

In my case for example, even though I am neither mother or father I had the same worries she spoke of and more but as the point of view of the “new friend“. When my boyfriend told me he wanted to spend time with me and his son I had a number of concerns. Is it too soon? How will the Ex react to that? Would I be taking away from father son time? How should I be introduced and in what type of setting? Etc. etc.

I read up on the situation and talked to some child development majors who gave me some great input on the matter. I’m glad to say that for the most part, they had the same advice as Dr. Mark Banschick. However it’s been a hard road since the beginning, seeing as the ex has not been as mature as the writer in this story.

My first question is answered somewhat by this blog. Should my, now fiancé, tell his ex about his recent proposal to me? I say yes, because now Im future step-mother to the child and like it or not she has to come to terms with the fact that If I am in her Ex’s life then I am in her child’s life. He however feels he shouldn’t because of the way she acted when I was just “the girlfriend”. So now I have a whole new set of concerns and worries. How can I make my fiancé see that he should tell her despite the possible drama that can ensue? How will the Ex take this bit of news this time??? How/when should the child be told? What kind of questions should we be prepared to be asked? Etc. Etc.

Should we get counseling?…The three of us: Future step-mother, father and child? Perhaps the child alone?… this and more has crossed my mind but seeing as I am not the parent I don’t think it’s my decision. I try not to overstep my boundaries, even though it’s hard at times especially since I started my coursework towards an A.S in Child Development….but I’d also like to know, do those boundaries thin as one gets ready to become a step-mother? I wish they made a handbook for step-mothers/step-fathers.

Off in search of answers,
“The Fiancé”