Friendless in a new town after moving (credit: Pixabay)

After getting married and moving to the country, a woman finds herself friendless in a new town, without a social circle.

Question

Hi,

In the past year, I have moved away from my family and friends from the city to the country. I moved because I was in a relationship and knew he was the one for me. I kept my job in the city and now commute over 150 miles daily.

Since then, I have gotten married, become a step-mom to four children, bought my first house, and…oh yeah, I have no friends. I feel so down all the time. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I don’t understand why I can’t feel happy.

Since my move, I have found making new friends in the country particularly hard, and I feel friendless in a new town.

Since I’m married and a mom now, I have lost interest in going out to drink and party all night long. That’s what my city friends and I used to do all the time. They no longer want to hang out with me; frankly, the feeling is mutual. I feel like I have no one to talk to in this world. I try to talk to my husband, but he’s not a woman and cannot fill that void.

My family members tell me to make friends with the wives of my husband’s co-workers, but they knew my husband when he was married to his ex-wife (who, by the way, is an incarcerated drug addict.) Whenever we get together with his co-workers and their wives, they always need to mention his ex-wife’s name and ask how she is doing.

I also feel that with the friends I do have, I am always the one who initiates hanging out. My friends (including my best friend from grade school) never called, texted or asked me to do anything. It’s always the other way around. I

I’m confused, sad, mad, tired, stressed, and depressed. I am crying a lot now and feel that this may be starting to affect my relationship with my husband because I’m not myself anymore.

Help, please: Is it normal for me to feel this way? Is it possible that a woman “needs” friends to live a happy and fulfilled life?

Signed, Alison

Answer

Hi Alison,

First of all, you seem completely normal, considering your circumstances. Secondly, you are not alone in your situation!

After a move, it’s common to feel friendless in a new town. This is especially so after a big life change (marriage and instant motherhood in your case).

Do women need friends in order to live a happy and fulfilled life? I would argue that, yes, they do. Many research studies have demonstrated that solid friendships improve mental and physical health and general life satisfaction. The fact that you realize this gap in your life needs to be filled shows how self-aware and intuitive you are.

We need friends in general, and you are spot-on in concluding that your husband can’t meet all of your emotional needs. Expecting him to do so could be harmful to the marriage. As for your particular circumstances, you’re enduring a very long commute, adjusting to a new town, adapting to a new lifestyle, and helping care for four children whose mother is in prison!

That is a lot for any one person to have on her plate. So, yes, you need friends to help you navigate this. Ideally, over time, you will have several close friends and a number of acquaintances in your new town who can bring out different sides of your personality, share many of your interests, and meet your various emotional needs.

But don’t focus on the ideal right now. Concentrate on finding one friend who lives near you with whom you can share some fun and relaxing times and, eventually, deeper feelings and thoughts. All it takes is one authentic friend to make a big difference in your life.

How can you find her? If you’re uncomfortable with your husband’s co-workers’ wives (and I can see why you’re not), try to get out into the community on the weekends as much as you can, and project an open and friendly attitude.

You are feeling down and maybe even depressed right now, so that might feel fake. But the truth is that people will be more likely to strike up a conversation with you if you are lighthearted and warm. Once you start interacting better with people, you’ll feel more energized and like your old self.

Then, if one of those people you meet at a cafe, the library, the farmer’s market (you are in the country after all, right?), or your step-kids school seems like someone you could befriend, go ahead and ask her if she’d like to get coffee sometime.

“I’m new in town and would love to get to know more people” is the perfect excuse. Finding someone with whom you really “click” might take time, but the effort will be worthwhile in the long run. (The time and energy spent on your extra-long commute will cut into your ability to nurture friendships, making this an even greater challenge for you at this point.)

As for your “old” friends and your frustration with being the initiator, think about which of those friends you care most about, and share your feelings with her. Ask her if there is a reason she never reaches out. If she gives you one, listen and consider it rather than lashing out defensively.

It’s possible that there is no reason, and it’s just a pattern you’ve fallen into with your friends. You’ve trained them to rely on you to keep the friendship going. This might be difficult to talk about openly, but it would be better for your closest “old” friend to know how you feel than for you to continue to drown in sadness and resentment. She may very well step things up, allowing you to draw strength from that friendship as you work to make a new one.

Finally, while you attempt to spark at least one new friendship and repair at least one old one, you might want to consider seeing a therapist about your depression.

A friend could make you feel better, yet feeling better could also help you make a friend.

Why not try both tactics at once? (If you choose to do so, I hope you can see a therapist during your lunch break at work so as not to pile on more “tasks” to your already busy schedule.)

Best wishes, and I hope this helps!

Carlin Flora
Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

*Carlin Flora is a friend and colleague of the Friendship Doctor.

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QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I’ve been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship.

When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn’t reciprocate.

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn’t scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

In both cases, I’ve come to recognize that we’ve changed as people, and don’t share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life.

If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past – so I don’t want to drop them altogether.

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed?

I’ve known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn’t it healthy to talk things out?

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I’m still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We’re both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn’t age 21) so we’re taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it’s the first time she’ll “cut loose” in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I’m feeling anxious that we’re not as compatible now as we once were.

I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

In both cases, it’s a question of how to acknowledge change.

The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

ANSWER

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it’s tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

While you hope you’ll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar.

Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you “confronted” her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don’t like the term “confront” because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it’s fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

In the case of Friend # 2, she’s realized it’s logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she’s immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends’ getaway to celebrate your friendship.

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you’re both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

Yes, it’s always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship—or to even understand the transitions in the middle.

It’s easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no “right” way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit— “right” depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

It’s hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn’t ask—but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who live far away?

The post When Close Friends Become Far-Away Friends appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am spending five months in Maine, which is new to me. I don’t have much to do there or to get involved in. The seven months I spend in Florida are very different with lots of activities. I’m having trouble making friends in Maine and need help.

Signed, Allison

ANSWER

Dear Allison,

Most people would think that you are fortunate to be able to split your time between two nice places and take advantage of the best of the seasons at each. Yet, moving back and forth can take a toll on friendships at both ends.

It sounds like you’ve been able to make friends in Florida and it may be easier to do there for several reasons: You have been there longer, the weather facilitates going outdoors, and many retirees live around you who are free from work responsibilities and thus, tend to be more sociable.

Coincidentally, my friend Hilary Nangle is a travel writer, who calls herself the Maine Travel Maven. Hilary is like an encyclopedia on what to do in Maine and has written three books on the state (Moon Coastal Maine and Moon Maine). I posed your dilemma to Hilary and these are her thoughts:

• Great ways to make friends in Maine and meet others, especially during the warmer months, are by:
• Shopping at local farmers markets;
• Volunteering at local museums or libraries;
• Taking part in outdoor-oriented activities such as garden clubs, paddling or walking groups, and land trust programs;
• Attending concerts, festivals, and talks;
• All the standard ways apply, too: knitting/quilting groups, book clubs, exercise programs, etc. 

Mainer’s tend to be reserved by nature, but don’t take that as unfriendliness. Just give them time to warm up to you.  

Since you have a long season in Maine, why don’t you try some of Hilary’s suggestions, which sound solid to me? You might also want to pick up a copy of her book and begin to explore the nooks and crannies where friendly people in Maine tend to hide out. J

My best, Irene

The post My Home Away from Home: Making Friends in Maine appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

I’m in 9th grade and just moved from Ohio to Kentucky. I’m having trouble making friends. I used to go to a small school where everyone knew each other. Then, my dad’s job got transferred so we moved to Kentucky and the new school is huge.

I thought I would go in and make friends right away but it was a terrible experience. I sat with my sister at lunch the first day and I didn’t talk or eat all day. The second day, her lunch period changed and she made friends super fast but I sat in the bathroom for lunch. I started crying too, and that just made things worse. It was the longest 20 min of my life! After the bell rang, I casually walked out and went to my next class.

The next day I went out of my comfort zone and asked these girls if I could sit with them but they didn’t include me or talk to me. So the next day, I went with these sophomores that I met (because of my sister) the first day. I didn’t talk to them or eat but I felt comfortable sitting near people.

It has been five months of school and I’ve made a few friends and I’ve hung out with one person one time. But no one I know is in my lunch period.

About a week ago, my table started moving over a table one by one and today, the worst day of high school so far, I sat alone at a table. I felt so stupid and embarrassed that I didn’t eat and just sat there on my phone for what felt like hours.

I’ve seen people at lunch that are in some of my classes but I’m embarrassed to ask them if I can sit with them. I don’t know what to do tomorrow, the last day before break. I feel depressed and have no one to talk to. I’ve asked my parents to send me to a private school (there are no other public schools around) but even the cheapest is too expensive. I just want to be comfortable at school and have friends and be happy.

Signed, Sasha

ANSWER

Hi Sasha,

I’m sorry you’re having trouble making friends. I’ve heard many girls your age, even those with friends, who dread the cafeteria and lunchtime. Moving is hard under the best of circumstances and going from a small to a large school must feel overwhelming.

Look in your classes to find girls who have the same lunch period as you. Seek out someone who seems friendly and kind. When you find someone who seems friendly, approach her, which might be easier than going up to a whole table full of girls. Say something like, “You’re in lunch period A, aren’t you? Can I ask a favor? I’m new this year and still haven’t found a table. Can I eat at your table?”

You’re going to need to find a way to look interested and get in the conversation to be included. Make eye contact. Smile. Listen to the discussion and find times to say things like, “Me too” or what ever feels appropriate. I know how hard this can be, but if you don’t talk or at least appear like you’re listening, you won’t be embraced.

You might want to talk to your school counselor to see if there are other new girls who might need friends with whom to sit at lunch. If you notice new girls who start school mid term, approach them as potential new friends. Also, look around the cafeteria for others who might be alone and who would appreciate your company. Is there someone who lives nearby that you could get friendly with during the school break?

Try not to compare yourself to your sister and the speed at which she made friends. If you’re close with her, perhaps she can help with some suggestions or introducing you to her friends.

Good luck.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

The post How can I find friends in the school lunchroom? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Moving Day

Moving? Moving expert Ali Wenzke offers tips for parents to help ease the transition for their kids after a move.

They say a parent feels a child’s pain more acutely than the child does. I believe this is especially true when it comes to making new friends. If your child is struggling to make a friend, you will do anything you can to help.

Luckily, there are ways for you to help your child. Whether you recently moved to a new area or your child is having a tough time at school this year, I have some tips that can help:

Three steps to making a good first impression

For kids, there are THREE steps to making a good first impression (SEA). First, teach your child to smile. A smile is an open invitation to others. It lets other children know that your child is friendly and wants to engage with them.

Second, eye contact is critical. When someone looks you in the eye, you know they are listening and that they care.

Third, tell your child to keep his/her arms open. Crossed arms send out a signal that they are closed off and not interested in interacting with others. It’s okay for them to keeps their hands in their pockets. The main thing is that they should point their heart to the other person’s with arms by their side.

Practice, practice, and more practice

At my workshops for families who recently moved, I teach kids about SEA (smile, eye contact, and arms open). These life skills are rarely taught at a young age, but the children learn quickly and enthusiastically.

We play a flashcard game that I play at home with my own three children. Each flashcard contains one or more of the SEA steps. For example, if the card reads “Eye contact” and “Smile”, the child would practice those two steps. She stands in front of the audience, smiling and making eye contact. The audience guesses what things she did right.

This is a fun, interactive game you can play at home as well. You’ll get a lot of laughs, especially when you do things drastically wrong.

Dealing with rejection

Preparing your child to deal with rejection is equally important. If you prepare her/him ahead of time, you and your child can have a rational plan to help them cope.

Emotions can run high, even more so from a parent’s perspective, when rejection occurs. Maybe the other child is having a tough day or feels awkward in new situations. Whatever the reason, teach your child to say, “Okay, no problem. Maybe next time.” If this is a consistent problem with a specific child, guide your child to approach other children instead.

Every child has different needs

We all have different needs when it comes to friends. Some prefer large groups of friends and others prefer one close friend. Your child may have different needs than your needs and that’s okay. Our children sense our concerns. They may be trying to make friends to please us as parents when they are perfectly content doing their own thing at lunch or at recess.

Friendships do not happen overnight. Try to refrain from asking, “Did you make a new friend today?” Instead, ask about other things that happened at school or ask who the friendliest or silliest person was today.

Have confidence in your child

You can give your child the tools they need to make new friends. Teach them how to make a good first impression and practice at home. Make it fun through role play – the crazier the scenario, the better. Once your child feels confident, you can add in introductions and ways to say “hello.”

Eventually, though, your child will need to do this alone. You can’t stop rejection from happening and you can’t fast-track a friendship. My husband and I moved several times with our kids, so I know how hard it is. Nothing is more distressing than watching your child put her or himself out there. There is also nothing more satisfying than knowing your child did it on her or his own. Children will gain confidence they never knew they had and you will never feel more proud.

Ali Wenzke, moving expert, moved with her husband ten times in eleven years. Ali blogs at The Art of Happy Moving to help others with moving, making new friends, and living happily ever after.

Ali Wenzke

The post Helping your child make friends after moving appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

We recently moved to the U.S. from India. I have one 16-year-old son who started high school last week but he feels so alone at school. He says no one talks to him.

He wasn’t like this before. But after coming to the U.S. he doesn’t seem comfortable with this new culture. He has an average command of the English language.

I don’t know what to do. He is insisting that I send him back to India. I am totally confused so your guidance will be helpful.

Signed, Worried Mom

ANSWER

Hi Worried Mom,

I’m glad you wrote. Moving is never easy for teens and your son has experienced a more complicated move than most. It’s normal for a young teen to miss their friends at home after a move, especially at the very beginning of the school year.

One suggestion: I would recommend that you find other Indian immigrants who are in a similar situation. This could help with his transition. Perhaps there is a church near your home attended by those of Indian descent. If you live in a city or suburbs, there are probably associations of ex-pats. The guidance counselor at school might also be able to help in this regard.

A few other ideas:

• Talk to your son’s guidance counselor to see if he/she can assist in introducing him to other Indians or Indian-Americans at school, perhaps even in other grades.
• If there are no other Indians or Indian-Americans at school, there are still likely to be some kids who will embrace him. These may include recent immigrants from other countries. Help your son figure out how to meet those kids.
• Ask your son to give his new school and classmates at least a year before considering going back to India (if this is a feasible possibility you’d consider).
• Empathize with his feelings while expressing optimism that his situation will improve. His English will also improve now that he’s immersed in the country, culture and school.
• If your son is experiencing depression or anxiety that lasts longer than two weeks, seek professional guidance. His doctor or the school can refer him to a therapist to help him adjust.

Don’t give up. I know things feel bleak now and how heavily this must weigh on you, too. I hope your son starts feeling more comfortable soon.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

The post Son in high school has no friends since moving from India appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

I have three children, ages 9, 6, and 4. To give you a little background, we sold our house in New England, moved to Florida for eighth months and then moved back to New England, but to a different city.

I worry about social issues with all of my children but my six-year-old has me the most concerned right now. To start off, he had open-heart surgery two years ago, when he was four years old. We did not know he was born with a congenital heart defect. We are very blessed that it was found, but I feel that he hasn’t been the same since then.

He never went to preschool, so he didn’t get the social interaction prior to kindergarten that most kids get. At the end of kindergarten, we moved to Florida, where he made the cutoff by five days. He was in a large school and just seemed to shut down. I know it was a lot for him in one year. He did not seem happy.

So, we moved back to New England. We are in a different city, but where my husband grew up so he has family here. My son is still a very young first-grader. He seems happy, but his teacher has told me she has worked hard to cultivate friendships, but they aren’t taking off. He doesn’t get invited for play dates. Also, he has a lot of attention issues and can’t focus at school, which is causing him to fall behind.

I don’t know what to do. I have been looking for solutions to help him, but I can’t seem to get anything from the teacher or the pediatrician. Socially, he just doesn’t seem to be making any real connections. I worry over time this will affect him more. Any suggestions as to where I should start? Thank you in advance for your time!

Signed, Maria

ANSWER

Hi Maria,

I think you’re right to be concerned. Your son is fortunate that you’re attentive to his academic and socialization issues.

Although some children experience difficulties when they are academically unchallenged, it sounds like Adam’s issues may well be related to everything he’s been through with surgery and moving.

As for socialization, I’d ask his teacher for her opinion on how your son can improve or develop his skills. If he’s close with his older sibling, perhaps you can ask your eldest to help him out. Sometimes extracurricular activities like group sports, scouts or classes like karate teach social skills through play and help build self-confidence.

Have you discussed the possibility with the school of keeping your son back one grade? He would be among other kids closer to his emotional age and have a better shot at academic success, which might reboot his attitude about school.

If his teacher feels his attention difficulties are interfering with his ability to learn, you might also consider having him evaluated by a child psychologist, either within or outside the school system.

Good luck.

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

The post Six-year-old struggling socially at school appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

A friend of over 40 years wants to leave the U.S (she is British) where she has been for 20 years to move to where I live in Europe.

We have not seen each other for 14 years. She has not been to the country where I live for over 30 years. She thinks she can ask me for every bit of advice she needs to move, rent, find a cattery, etc. She will not take my advice on getting a professional to help her, as she doesn’t speak the language spoken here.

Her husband is in his early 70s; she is 15 years younger. We have a settled life here and she seems to think she can slot into it. She is looking at life through rose-tinted glasses.

It is making me feel ill. The responsibility of someone moving to a country she has not visited for over 30 years, and knows only one person is too much. I’m at the end of my tether!

Signed, Margaret

ANSWER

Hi Margaret,

It sounds like your friend is acting as if from her perspective, the friendship hasn’t skipped a beat. Perhaps, you need to remind her that you haven’t seen each other for 14 years and over that time, you and your spouse have settled into a satisfying life with a network of friends.

It does sound presumptuous of her to assume you would be willing to provide on-site logistical support for such a complex move—unless you encouraged her and/or offered to do so.

Since you find the thought of her coming so unsettling, you have no choice but to be frank and let her know that you can’t assume any major responsibility for arranging her move; tell her your already have enough on your own plate.

If you aren’t direct and don’t do this upfront, she will continue to depend on you.

If your friend’s moving decision has been hasty and ill-considered, you could point out some of the pitfalls that she should anticipate. You might also suggest that she and her husband visit the country for a several weeks on their own to see if they truly would be happy there.

Unless she is tone-deaf, raising all these concerns should make her think twice before asking more of you. Moreover, you’ve handed back responsibility for the move to her.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

The post My friend is moving in on my space appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hello. I’m Lindsey. My family packed up and moved about an hour away from my old school friends and life about two years ago. I figured I would find just as nice friends at my new school. After a few months, I realized that was not so.

I had a best friend at my old school that has to be my favorite person in the world. I miss her with my entire soul. Every time a sad song comes on the radio I think of her. We were in contact, but then I lost her email somehow.

I bet she probably is best friends with someone else now. I need her right now. People at my new school are nothing like her and I can’t seem to go a day without thinking of her. We have gone our separate ways but I need her to take me back.

I’ve considered contacting her thousands of times but what if she changed and thinks the message is dumb. Please help. I feel that my time to get her back is over but there may be hope. I need you to help me and give me advice.

I am depressed and am in counseling. We thought it would help but not much is working. If I move back my father will not be able to come and I love him like the world.

Signed, Lindsey

ANSWER

Dear Lindsey,

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. Friends, especially BFFs, are special and unique. Losing them whether through a move or any other circumstance can be very painful.

Have you tried to contact your friend through social media? Even if she has a new best friend, that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be happy to hear from you.

In two years both of you have probably changed some. You’ve had different experiences and known different people. Even if you didn’t relocate, you’d both would have grown in that time, possibly in different directions.

I’m glad you’re in counseling. Give it some time, most people seeing counselors don’t feel better right away. If you feel like your current therapist isn’t helping and that things aren’t getting better, talk to her about whether she’s the right fit for you and tell her how she can be more helpful.

Your letter sounds like you’re in a lot of pain. When you say that you “need” her to take you back, that sets up an imbalance of power in the relationship, meaning you see her as more important than you. This isn’t healthy, and it sets you up for being hurt.

I don’t think moving back would solve your problem. In fact, I think you might feel worse if you did, especially if your friend has a new set of friends and isn’t interested.

In the mean time, work hard with your therapist. Talk about things that are uncomfortable. I always tell teens the more they don’t want to discuss something in therapy, the more they probably need to bring up the topic. Before you contact your friend, talk to your counselor about how you’ll handle different reactions or not hearing from your friend so that you are prepared.

You might also talk to her about the difficulties you’re having connecting with people in your new school. When someone is depressed, it can make it hard to reach out to new people.

Good luck, Lindsey!

Signed, Amy Feld

*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.

The post Lost my best friend after moving appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

My friend and I are in a pretty long distance relationship. She lives in India, and I live in the U.S. We sometimes send each other things (this just started happening) and when she’s online we talk. But after she started going to a school, there have been long periods of time without Internet connections (the school has no Wi-Fi whatsoever) and she’s been very distant.

I’ll be online and I’ll send a ‘Hey’ to her and she won’t respond until it’s about 1 or 2AM in the morning for me, or sometimes I won’t be online to answer. I’m terrified that I’m losing her because of the weather knocking out her Wi-Fi when she’s at home and that she’s not trying as hard as she did in the summer.

I’ve been putting aside so much time and effort to make sure that we stay in contact but the fact she doesn’t have the Wi-Fi and she can’t use her data is really putting me in a spot where I feel that I should try only as much as she does.

I’m not really comfortable calling her out because with the long distance, (I’m usually talking with her during my school time) I don’t want to start crying in the middle of some public space. Any advice would be amazing because my friend means a lot to me and as I said, I’m terrified about losing her.

Signed, Amita

QUESTION

Hi Amita,

As you’ve found out, it can be challenging to maintain long-distance friendships over different time zones. When people move away, their lives change as they become immersed in a new environment and meet new people. There also may be fewer things to talk about between you. That said, even though the day-to-day rhythms you’re used to may change, many people do maintain friendships with people who’ve moved far away and even get to see each other from time to time.

You said that your friend’s Internet connectivity is limited; in addition, she may be spending less time than you online as she gets used to a new school and new environment. There’s no reason to “call her out” because that might make things worse.

My suggestion would be for you to cut back on the frequency of your messaging—not only for your friend’s sake but also for yours. Although you want to maintain a friendship, it can’t be the same one you had before she moved out of the country. You also might try using email so you can respond to each other when it’s convenient rather than staying up late and worrying about missed messages.

It’s important that you don’t allow this one long-distance friendship to interfere with your schoolwork and potential friendships with the people around you at school and in your neighborhood.

Hope this helps!

Best, Irene

The post Afraid of losing her friend in India appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Greatist (screenshot)

Moving can be a double-edged sword in terms of friendships. Greatest.com offers some tips for making friends in a new city.

Admittedly, it is tough to make new friends when you’re faced with the challenging “mechanics” of settling in to a new neighborhood, new home and new place of work. There are so many small details to take care of as you find your way in a new setting. It can also be draining emotionally.

Newcomers are also need to balance their time seeking out new friendships vs. maintaining old ones with people with whom they feel close and comfortable.

They may fall prey to the myth that everyone already has his/her friends.

On the other hand, there is a luster to being the new kid on the block. Many people will have a natural interest in learning about you and hearing your story.

In an article on the website, Greatist, writer Rachael Schultz catalogued an interesting list of ways to make friends in a new city and incorporated one thought from The Friendship Doctor. She writes: 

OK, nail salons may not actually be as social as Legally Blonde‘s bend-and-snap scene led us to believe, but they’re actually a perfect place for random social interactions.

“Everyone, like you, is captive and feeling relaxed. It’s a great place to initiate small talk with the person next to you,” says Irene Levine, Ph.D., author of The Friendship Blog.

Sparking up conversation over the nail dryers may not land you a soul sister, but it’s a great way to flex that social muscle and become comfortable talking to strangers, Bonior says. That way when you really click with someone, you won’t overthink your intro too much. 

Click here to read the Greatist article in its entirety.

The post In the Media – How to make friends when moving to a new city (Greatist.com) appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

We just moved and my 6th grade daughter still does not have friends seven weeks into school. She says she sits alone in the cafeteria most days.

I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to discuss it and just says she is fine. After school she just goes in her room, shuts the door and watches videos or listens to music. It breaks my heart. I’ve reached out to her school counselor who tried to talk to her and she verified that she sits alone at lunch and that she seems very lonely. She suggested joining a few clubs but my daughter wasn’t interested.

I was thinking of going back to our old neighborhood for a long weekend but worry that will set her back even more as she will invest in trying to stay as connected with friends “back home” rather than try to make new friends.

I’ve read your suggestions on other posts, but she is very shy. She is involved in a Lacrosse team on the weekend but even there she just stands and does her job without really talking to the other girls. I am desperate for help.

Signed, Lisa

ANSWER

Hi Lisa,

I can imagine how upsetting it must be for any mom to think of her child sitting alone in a lunchroom and feeling isolated at a new school. Yet, since your daughter says she is doing fine (and I’m assuming she isn’t anxious about going to school and is doing well academically), could it be that she really isn’t as upset about being without friends at school as you might think?

Admittedly, it is difficult for any child to enter a new school where the other students have formed bonds over a number of years. When a child is innately shy by temperament, the challenges can even be greater. Shy children need more time to scope out a social situation and feel comfortable before they become involved.

It was great that you reached out to the school counselor with your concerns but given that your daughter doesn’t warm up to new people right away, it might be worthwhile to ask the counselor if she could meet with your daughter at least several times to get to know your daughter better, to give your daughter a chance to express her feelings, and to help her identify some strategies to get more involved socially in small steps. For example, might it be possible for the counselor to involve your daughter one-on-one with another student helping out around the school in some way during the lunch hour?

Participating in a team sport like Lacrosse may also help build your daughter’s confidence so she begins to feel more comfortable with these girls as time progresses.

Remember that different children, even in the same family, have different temperaments. Try not to push your daughter into social situations that might overwhelm her or inadvertently convey your own anxiety about her style of relating. On the other hand, you might reassure her by openly acknowledging that moving always brings challenges and making new friends can take some time. Watch for any signs that suggest she is unhappy or uncomfortable.

In terms of returning to your old neighborhood, does your daughter still communicate with these friends online? Has she asked to have a long weekend? If that interest is hers as opposed to yours, I don’t think there is anything wrong in responding to her interest in occasionally visiting old friends with whom she feels comfortable.

Many times, children outgrow shyness. But if you and the counselor think that your daughter’s shyness is interfering with her ability to connect with people her age in and out of school, and has been a persistent problem, you might want to speak to a therapist to get an expert opinion. The National Institute of Mental Health has some information worth reading on Social Phobia Among Children, including a brochure that identifies some of the signs and symptoms.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

P.S. I just saw this article on NPR that might be helpful, too:

• Parents Can Learn How To Prevent Anxiety in Their Children

The post My daughter has no friends at a new school appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

Me and my BFF live far away from each other but we still Skype every night. What are some things we can talk about?

Signed, Leigh

ANSWER

Hi Leigh,

It’s nice that you and your BFF still stay in contact across the miles. Sometimes friendships become more tenuous when friends live far away because they have fewer shared experiences—whether the two friends are adults, teens or children.

If the conversation has begun to feel forced and you’re not coming up with enough things to talk about during your nightly conversations, you might want to reduce the number of times you speak each week.

Perhaps, you can send each other short emails on the days you don’t Skype each other. Also, you may want to figure out a way to occasionally visit each other or meet at some mid-way point.

Do you have other friendships with friends who live close by so that your social life doesn’t only revolve around this long-distance one?

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about long-distance friendships:

• Moving and leaving my best friend behind
• Nervous about my friend moving on
• Distance between friends
• Long-distance best friends who live far away

The post Two friends live far away and run out of things to say appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Recently, I decided to end my 11-year friendship with my best friend. Some background: I moved to another state two years ago to pursue a doctoral program. Even with the distance, my friend and I kept in contact and when I would return home for the holidays and in the summer we always got together. I felt very connected to her and happy that she also referred to me as her best friend.

Last December I started to realize that even though she was always open to see me, I would have to plan, organize, and make the extra effort to set something up with her. I politely confronted her about this and expressed that I felt that I was making most of the effort in our friendship. She apologized and told me that she has been busy—but that she will start putting her half into the relationship. I accepted her apology.

Over the past 6 months, my friend became very close to another girl, who she began calling her best friend. Although, I admit I initially felt jealous and somewhat “replaced,” I acknowledged that my jealousy was selfish, that she was free to make other best friends (especially since I am in the other side of the country) and that as long as she still values me, that our bond will continue. Thus, I began to not be bothered as much by her new friendship.

A few weeks ago, I returned home for two weeks for the summer. I told my friend I was coming in advance, however she made little effort to set something up. I purposely did not make the initiative because I wanted her to step it up this time. She eventually made somewhat of an effort to set a lunch with me on a day. However, last minute she canceled and told me she was going to go to an amusement park that day with her family.

After that, she contacted me again a day before my departure date to see if I was available. I had already made other plans for that day and did not want to cancel my plans with other people who actually took the time to plan in advance with me. While I was there she saw her new best friend and other friends, but yet waited until the last minute to see me? I was really hurt.

I did not get to see her during that trip back home and her behavior really hurt me. I thought to myself, I really want to be friends with her but she puts more effort to fostering her new friendship with another girl and takes me for granted. The whole ordeal made me feel very sad, used, and not valued.

I decided that it was best to keep a distance and focus my attention on making other friends that are willing to reciprocate my friendship at an equal level. She was supposed to be my maid of honor (MOH) at my wedding–but that does not feel right anymore, so I decided to ask someone else to be my MOH. She doesn’t know this yet and I am not sure if I should even tell her since we are not really talking anymore. I am wondering, did I do the right thing with her? Was I too harsh?

Signed, Randi

ANSWER

Hi Randi,

When friends move away from each other, it’s hard to maintain the same relationship they had when they were living close together. Even without that barrier, relationships change over time and become more complicated as two people grow in different directions.

Your friend may have backed off from the friendship a bit as she got involved with other friends who were more convenient to spend time with, people who were more integrated into the fabric of her everyday life.

Admittedly, It can be annoying when one person is always the initiator in a relationship. If that person has any insecurities about the friendship, it can make her wonder whether the other person is as invested as she is.

After eleven years, it’s likely that this friendship has a solid foundation that includes many shared memories. And although you don’t feel as connected as you once did, it sounds like you still value your friendship. Is it possible to maintain a different type of friendship with her now than you did in the past? Could you stay in contact but see each other more occasionally, perhaps not every time you come home?

Choosing a maid of honor is a very personal choice, one that should feel comfortable both for you and for the person whom you are asking to take on that responsibility. I think you need to broach a conversation with your friend and let her friend know about your decision without blaming it on her. You may want her to play another role in the bridal party or simply to invite her as a guest. I guess I’m suggesting that that neither the friendship nor wedding party needs to be an all or nothing decision.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

The post Having misgivings on ending a friendship that’s gotten too complicated appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

Whether you’ve just moved to a new neighborhood or simply moved up in grade from one school to another, making friends at a new school is always challenging.

At the beginning of the school year, The Friendship Doctor always receive lots of questions from students who are worried about making friends at a new school—as well notes from their concerned parents. Whatever your age or circumstances, change is hard and can be challenging to friendships.

Contributing writer Amy Feld developed these excellent tips for making friends at a new school. Do you have others to add to the list?

1-  Be friendly

Smile, make eye contact and talk to everyone, don’t limit your friendliness to one specific type of student.

2-  Be interested in others

Be a good listener and ask questions.

3-  Get involved

Join sports, clubs and after-school activities to find friends with similar interests.

4-  Be yourself

People appreciate authenticity and will gravitate toward you.

5-  Be confident

People are drawn to those who like themselves. Focus on the positive and remember all you the strengths you can bring to new friendships.

6-  Be trustworthy

Avoid gossiping or talking negatively about others and avoid those who do. People who talk about others will probably talk behind your back too.

7-  Be kind

People gravitate toward those who are genuinely nice and kind, and will return your kindness.

8-  Seek out others who treat you with respect

Good friends will enhance positive feelings you have about yourself. Avoid those who diminish you.

9-  Avoid peer pressure

Good friends will not try to force or convince you to do dangerous and/or illegal things, even if “everyone” else is doing it.

10- Make acquaintances first 

Don’t expect too much too soon. Friendships can take a while to develop and most friends start off as acquaintances.

11-Invite yourself  

Ask students who look friendly if you can sit with them at lunch. There are many other students who are as eager to find new friends as you.

12- Ask for help

Don’t be afraid to tell your classmates that you haven’t yet made friends.

13- Talk to a parent, teacher or counselor

If you find yourself struggling, allow the adults in your life to support your efforts to make acquaintances and friends.

14- Talk yourself into confidence

Be a friend to yourself by avoiding negative self-thoughts.

15- Keep trying

If the first or second times don’t work out, that doesn’t mean nothing will. Give yourself the gift of time.

The post 15 Ways to make friends at a new school appeared first on The Friendship Blog.