Feeling Worthless Without Any Friends
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If you’re without any friends because you don’t feel friend-worthy, you may need to work on yourself first.
QUESTION
Hi,
I am a 48-year-old female. I have no friends, no career and feel like a total failure. I want to do illustration but I have spent most of my life doing administration.
I have ended up in a very unhappy job being bullied by a boss and ostracized by two younger co-workers on a team of four! They all are doing worthwhile work dealing with vulnerable students.
I feel so crushed by shame, and by a total and deep sense of failure. Whatever I do I can’t seem to make a change. I feel my sister has done better, is better, and has always been liked better. However irrational, I can’t shake the low feeling I carry around.
Signed, Karen
ANSWER
Hi Karen,
So sorry you are without any friends and feel like you are in a hole that you can’t dig yourself out of. When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to initiate change or make friends.
Your work situation sounds very difficult. If you aren’t able to change jobs, you might want to try moonlighting. It would be a way to feel good about doing something you like and, perhaps, earn a little extra money.
If you have talents in illustration, that might be something you could do on a freelance basis, perhaps even online. (There are sites like Fiverr and others that serve as a marketplace for freelance gigs.) If illustration is an interest or talent you want to nurture, you might look into signing up for a course at your local community college.
Unfortunately, given the negative social environment at work, you can’t depend on your office as a place to foster friendships. Dealing with a bullying boss has to be very stressful.
When someone feels totally worthless, it often is a sign that they are depressed. I would encourage you to seek help from a mental health professional who could offer you the support you need to feel better about yourself and to help you better cope with what sounds like a very difficult work environment.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
Previously on The Friendship Blog: How can I make friends when I’m feeling depressed?
Category: Creating and maintaining boundaries, HAVING NO FRIENDS
I have a friend who thinks about herself i really don’t want to not talk to her but she really hurts my feelings. I do like her a friend but she was being mean to me and that makes me upset and that makes me cry. I don’t know what to do. Please respond for me to figure if i should be her friend or not. I hope we can be friends.
I think first of all take a step back from this friendship and figure out what do you have in common with this person, think about what is going on in her life why she is acting this way towards you, spend time with your other friends, do things that make you happy and possibly with you not spending much time with this friend she will realize how valuable you are to her and if this doesn’t work ask her outright why she is acting this way towards you.
Sometimes we need to let people go in our lives or at least take a step back to find out do we need this person/negativity in our lives.
My heart goes out to you. I have been bullied on my job by peers and management. I know first hand how difficult this situation can become. I sought help through employment services and found great solutions on how to deal with my depressive feelings. I recently wrote blogs on these subjects “Mean Girls” being my most recent post. Feel free to read and share. It can get better.
Yes you do have a friend, the best friend that you could ask for. His name is Jesus and he is always there with you and for you.. Give him a try and see if the right people show up in your life.. He’s AMAZING!!!
So happy you said this because it’s exactly how I feel I was alone for a year no boyfriend, no friends. Finally I said god I’m giving it to you, 4 months later after our relationship grew stronger….. I said god I think I’m ready to meet the man I’m going to marry, and the very next day I met the most amazing person which is my boyfriend today, still I don’t have a friends but I’m being patient with because I know god will send that person when the time is right. Amen
Jesus is the first and most important person to bring into your life, and I have had a very sincere and vital relationship with Christ for years, but when I am lonely, He is far, I need human contact. I have a husband that loves me very much and two boys that are very healthy and happy. I do everything I can to find a way to connect with people. People are nice to me but no one ever ever ever seeks me out, no one ever needs to talk to me spend time with me. It makes me so sad to be inconsequential to the world. I can give, volunteer, host, lead, give, offer, write, assist. It is always taken, and usually with gratitude, but I never ever receive. the world with take whatever I give but I never get fed. I have been so tragically sad for so many years. I usually can suck it up but it gets to me sometimes.
Pam, I so hear your pain! Your sentence was spot-on: the world takes but I never get fed. It gets to me too. A lot! I am apparently going about this the wrong way, because it doesn’t get better. It takes me to that saying, something about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. But I don’t know what to change! I envy your having a loving husband and 2 great boys. I have none of that but I do have 3 fantastic dogs and 3 entertaining cats. Maybe I’ll hear back from you? Wishing you peace!
Hey I have no friends at all I suffer bad anxiety darkness all around me feel so alone
I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. I wish I had a solution. My days have been a little better lately but they can get very dark very quickly. I really try to appreciate the good ones so they help me hold my head above water on the dark days.
I feel your pain.
Ann I am so sorry I didn’t respond. Thank you for your kind and compassionate response. I let you starve. As I just mentioned to Kristin my days have been a little brighter lately, a couple positive interactions really feeds me. Just connecting with a couple nice people socially, makes a difference and can hold me for a month. A neighbor invited me to the garden club after seeing me working in my yard. I tried to maintain my composure and give a calm YES! Then a month went by and she didn’t contact me.; she just came by again to reconfirm for this month so I am feeling better.
Also just discovered a long existing concept of MEETup.com people of like minds can gather to do just about anything. I am excited about the possibilities this may lead to. I may not have forever friends but I will take a once in a while friend too!!
Please listen to the others regarding work.
As far as having no friends in your area check if there is a site called http://www.MeetUp.com this is not a dating site but they have a wide range of activities and just a way to meet other people, people are so friendly and offer something that you would be interested in I am sure.
Hope this helps.
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Please seek therapy to help you develop some self esteem and get you on a path of creating a better, more satisfying life for yourself. You need to learn how to be a good friend to yourself, so that you’ll project worthiness learn how to assert your worth to others. Being a good friend to yourself will help you attract friends. You can develop the skills you need to take charge of your life and your future.
Hi Karen,
It’s hard to feel good about your work when you’re in a competitive environment, with a bully for a boss. It sounds like this situation is also stirring up some painful issues related to the sister you mention in your letter. So, first, you should consider Dr. Irene’s advice about seeking counseling from a therapist who will help you work through these issues. They are likely tied to your depression and feelings of failure, and your lack of friendship.
In the meantime, even if you cannot find a career in illustration right away, have you considered finding another job in your current field? Anything would be better than an environment that sounds so abrasive and difficult.
You mention feeling crushed by “shame” in your last paragraph. Are you familiar with the work of Brene Brown? She writes about shame issues, and is known for her research in shame and vulnerability. I recommend her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, which you might find helpful.