One-Way Friendship (credit: Pixabay)

How do you cope with a one-way friendship breakup when a friend drops you without an explanation?

QUESTION

Hi,

I became really good friends with my neighbor; our daughters are the same age and adore each other. She says she suffers from depression and social anxiety.

She is a very lovely person. I would often invite her for coffee or to do something with our girls, and she often said, “No.”

After a while, I was hurt by this, and we discussed it. She reiterated her struggles with depression and anxiety. I found it hard to believe, as she seemed to make time for work, church, and other friends. I broke down in tears after she called to say she wouldn’t be joining me for our BBQ.

We spoke that day, and after that, things cooled off. A few weeks later, her husband had a party at home, and we were not invited.

I removed her from my Facebook because I was so upset. I regretted that and wrote her a letter making up some technical excuse about FB. I wrote that I would love the chance to talk about our friendship and asked if I had done anything wrong. I did not hear back. I left it and, in a way, felt relieved the whole guessing game was over.

I have never struggled with a one-way friendship as much as I did with this one. She never wanted to do anything but wanted me to continue asking.

It’s been six months, and yesterday, I met her husband and kids in the street, and we spoke. I told him that I did not know what had happened and that I missed his wife and hoped she was okay. He suggested she pop over and talk it out and that he would mention that we spoke.

I texted “Hi” to her today. I have not heard back. What more can I do? I don’t know what I have done wrong. I am finding it hard to let go of this one-way friendship because I don’t understand how someone wouldn’t have the decency to even let me know why.

Signed, Susie

ANSWER

Hi Susie,

First off, I really relate to your question because I had a similar experience: A friend I care about deeply started refusing my invitations to get together and blamed it on depression.

Depression does make it harder for people to socialize, which is unfortunate since maintaining close relationships is one thing that can ease the pain of depression. It’s a terrible cycle, and your friend might in fact be caught up in that cycle, even if she’s able to fulfill other social obligations.

After a while, my friend stopped contacting me altogether, though, like you, I knew she was seeing other friends. I strongly felt I *deserved* an explanation. After a while, another friend gave me a dose of much-needed tough love:

“For whatever reason,” this second friend said, “she doesn’t want you in her life right now. You have to accept that.”

It wasn’t easy to accept, but the truth is that we don’t always get explanations in life, and other people do have the right to stop seeing us if they no longer want to. I can’t say I’m over my one-way friendship breakup, but it gets better with time.

One thing that particularly strikes me about your letter is that your friend wanted you to keep inviting her to things even if she often refused. I wonder if she said that directly or if that was an assumption on your part?

It’s very hard for people in the beginning stages of friendship to say, “I don’t want to become closer to you.” So it’s possible that while your neighbor does, in fact, suffer from depression and anxiety, she used those struggles to politely turn down the volume on your friendship without directly insulting or hurting you. Of course, you’re left hurting anyway and feeling the brunt of a one-way friendship, so if that was her strategy, it wasn’t ultimately effective.

It really doesn’t sound to me as though you did anything “wrong.” So, while I know only time will heal this wound, I’ll say to you what my friend said to me:

“You must accept that she doesn’t want to be your friend. Don’t keep reaching out to her. Try instead to focus your energy on your friends who are only too happy to accept your kind invitations.” 

Just as with romantic relationships, sometimes we get fixated on friends who are “hard to get.” Stop trying to “get” her and enjoy the ones you already have.

Signed, Carlin Flora

Author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

*Carlin Flora is a friend and colleague of the Friendship Doctor.

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A friend who is only there to listen (credit; Pixabay)

A young man finds a supportive female friend at work, who is there to listen to problems but otherwise standoffish.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’ve been working at this company for nearly three years now. A year ago, I was having a lot of personal issues that involved my family as well.

So I started to ask one of my co-workers for advice. She was more than willing to help and be there to listen. I felt like she was like an older sister to me.

I never expected her to consider me as a friend even though she meant a lot to me. However, she says we are good friends and that I’m like a little brother to her. I don’t believe that’s true.

I’m always the one who takes the initiative if I want to talk for whatever reason. It could be something serious or just friendly conversation. She rarely if ever comes to talk to me. If she does, it is simply to ask how I’m doing.

I notice that whenever I talk to her, her energy is low, somewhat unhappy as if she has no interest in talking to me. As soon as somebody else speaks to her, her energy level goes up and she is playful and somewhat happy.

I’ve questioned her about it and she says that she does like talking to me and has no idea what I’m talking about. Can give me your perspective?

Signed, Jason

ANSWER

Hi Jason,

It sounds like your co-worker was compassionate and helpful when you had problems and you needed her advice.

[Your note doesn’t mention whether or not you are married—or, if you are, whether or not your family problems involved your spouse. Let’s assume no on both accounts.]

Now that your personal situation is more settled, you are sensing that your co-worker’s interest in you is waning. Perhaps, she felt like you needed a friend and truly was acting like a big sister. Now she feels you can make it on your own.

If your friend doesn’t initiate any conversation and seems disinterested when you start talking, you can only assume you need to step back from this friendship.

Since she is a co-worker, remain cordial, appreciative of the support she provided you in the past, and respectful of her wishes. If she wants more from the relationship, she will let you know.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Previously on The Friendship Blog:  When It’s Time To Shut Up and Listen

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Breaking up with a friend can be tough (Adobe stock)

• You may have dropped hints but your friend hasn’t noticed.
• You may have told her how busy you are, but she keeps asking you to get together.
• You never initiate phone calls or texts but she keeps at it.

You’ve reached the point where it has become clear: You need to decisively extricate yourself from this friendship.

Although a small number of breakups occur because of dramatic arguments or betrayals, most times, friendships end because two people drift apart.

Either their life circumstances change (e.g., perhaps one friend moves to another city or country, or one takes a new job) or neither one simply has sufficient motivation or initiative to keep up the friendship.

You may decide to end a friendship because it has become too emotionally draining, time-consuming, and unsatisfying. The decision is one-sided because your friend doesn’t feel the same and seems oblivious to your feelings.

If you find yourself in a situation where you need to break up with a friend, here are eight rules to help you navigate these murky waters. 

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A FRIEND

1- At the start, remember that breaking up with a friend is never easy. 

Unlike marriage or blood ties, friendships are voluntary relationships. To survive, they need to be satisfying to both people. And you have every right to break up with a friend if the friendship isn’t working for you.

You may feel guilty. 

You may worry that the other person will get angry. 

You may wonder what other people will think and feel ashamed about breaking up. 

You may worry that it will feel awkward when you see the other person.

All of these feelings are normal.

2- Once you break up, there’s no going back. So be sure you really want to do it.

Don’t break up impulsively.

Make sure it’s something you really want to do.

Remember, once you do it, there is little possibility of dialing the friendship back to what it was before. 

Think about the reasons why you are breaking up.

• Are there other ways to preserve the friendship?

• Can you take a break (e.g., a “friendship sabbatical”(time off)?

• Can you downgrade the friendship?

• See the person less frequently? 

• Get together In “small doses,” for shorter periods of time? 

• Only meet up with your friend as part of a group?

3- Rehearse what you want to say, and plan where and how you want to say it.

Breaking up tends to be awkward and uncomfortable, both for you and the other person.

Although you may have been thinking about breaking up with a friend for weeks or even months, the other person may be caught completely off-guard. 

You want to be as kind and sensitive in your approach because after all, this person was once your friend.

Some people find it helpful to write and rehearse a script by reading it aloud. You can even ask another trusted person to hear your presentation and give you feedback.

Remember, it is likely that your friend will never forget the words you used during this breakup.

4- Find the right time and place to deliver the message. 

This can be tricky, too, because it depends on the nature of your friendship. 

For example, if you are work friends, you probably don’t want to do it at the office.

If you only have had a phone or text relationship with your friend, you probably don’t want to do it in person.

Choose a strategy that makes sense in the context of your relationship.

Try to choose a time when you are both relaxed.

If you are doing it in person, having the conversation over coffee in a public place can be ideal because tempers are less likely to flare.

Make the meeting time-limited but take the opportunity to listen to your friend (For example, you can say you only have an hour). She may be upset and need to vent.

5- Try to be as honest as possible, balancing honesty with kindness.

Take responsibility for the breakup and not blame it on the other person. Take ownership of the decision.

This means using “I” language rather than focusing on “you.”

It’s okay to tell a “white lie” if it helps preserve your friend’s self-esteem and dignity.

Think of it as a “no-fault” decision: It is perfectly acceptable to end a friendship that isn’t mutually satisfying. 

Remember, you aren’t there to teach, change or condemn the other person. You are there to extricate yourself from a draining relationship.

6- Be clear and unequivocal. Don’t give a mixed message.

Remember that you haven’t made this decision lightly. As difficult as breaking up will be, you don’t want your message to be misunderstood. 

Aim to be as firm, concise, and clear as possible.

7- After you’ve “broken up,” think about what went wrong with the friendship.

Undertaking a “friendship autopsy” can help you avoid getting involved in unsatisfying friendships in the future.

Consider: Did you make a bad choice? Get too involved too soon? Overlook too much? 

Perhaps, the friendship was once okay but had been deteriorating over a long period of time. Would there have been a way to cut your losses sooner than you did, so you would feel less hurt and resentful?

8- Be sensitive to collateral fallout from a broken friendship.

While a friendship is between two people, other people may be involved or affected by the breakup. This might include colleagues, neighbors, family members, or other friends.

Always conduct yourself with dignity. Don’t badmouth your ex-friend to people you know in common.

No one needs to know the details of the breakup. You can just say that you really aren’t friendly anymore.  

If you see your ex-friend, say hello, and be cordial and polite.

You may want to stay clear of your friend on social media, to the extent possible.

Other posts on The Friendship Blog that offer

specifics on ending a friendship

So many reader questions revolve around breakups with friends. Here are some of them:

How To End A Friendship With A Neighbor

How To End A Friendship With A Neighbor

How To End A Very Long Friendship

A Woman Asks How To End A Very Long Friendship

How to End A Friendship Nicely, With Kindness

Is There A Kind Way To End This Friendship?

Ending A Friendship Nicely

How To Get Your Friend To Accept The End of A Friendship When They Don’t “Get The Message”

Handling a ‘Friend’ Who Doesn’t Get The Message

When tact doesn’t work with a “friend”

READ MORE ABOUT LETTING GO OF FRIENDSHIPS

• Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup With Your Best Friend

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The post How To Break Up With A Friend: The Rules appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I’ve been reading your blog after googling to find out if anyone else had experienced similar issues to me. After recently spending some time away with a close friend, I realize I don’t like many aspects of her personality.

She is endlessly checking her phone (Twitter, Facebook, etc.), which I find invasive and rude when you are in someone else’s company. She talks about the same things over and over again and expects me to do the usual nods and responses to show that I am interested and listening. Out of politeness I do, but often she doesn’t respond when I have something to say, making me feel she is not interested in me.

One incident springs to mind when I mentioned liking doing something and her response was, ‘Well I don’t agree,” which stopped the conversation dead in its tracks. I don’t believe you need to vocalize every opinion that pops into your mind and the ferocity with which she does comes across as aggressive. She can come across as blunt and completely lacks warmth. She is actually a lot nicer to be around when she has had a drink, as this seems to make her less aggressive and friendlier.

I find I am on tenterhooks all the time as she is judgmental and critical about everything around her (not me, but it makes for an unpleasant and draining atmosphere). I have seen her belittle and bully other people, including her parents and her husband and it upsets me to hear it. She is definitely a bully. I don’t let her bully me but that doesn’t mean that I like her behavior.

I have quite a strong character myself but she is intimidating and I suspect she doesn’t realize I find her intimidating and, at times, unpleasant to be around. She feels that she and I are very similar and I fear that I have may have perpetuated this belief. I
believe that she is emotionally unstable and I know that she does not like herself very much, so I often reassure her that her personality/behavior is okay. I don’t like to see people feel badly but it’s making me feel like I lack integrity when I do this.

I come away from our time together feeling like I have often gone along with what she wants to do. She frequently tells me that I am her best friend and criticizes other friends to me and I know that if I ended our friendship it would crush her.

She recently did something that upset me and I spoke with her about it, but I know that deep down I wanted to use it as a catalyst to end the relationship. I also don’t know how I would do it without having to directly refer to her personality, which is why I am asking for advice.

I would never want to tell someone I do not want to be friends because I don’t think that they are a very nice person. There is a lot of advice on the Internet about ending friendships if you grow apart, have different interests, or someone does something wrong.

What though do you do if you just don’t like somebody very much? She is very pushy, so if I avoid her then she will phone/email text to find out what is wrong.

Please help.

Thanks, Barbara

ANSWER

Hi Barbara,

If a friend does one or two things that make you uncomfortable, it’s always worthwhile to talk to the individual to see if they are capable of changing or if you can reach some compromise that allows both of you to feel comfortable. For example, it’s fairly easy to address discrete behaviors or habits that are annoying, like cell phone etiquette or punctuality, and resolve them.

However, it sounds like this woman possesses a constellation of traits that irk you—ones that are part and parcel of her personality. You describe her as consistently: judgmental, critical, aggressive, self-centered, blunt, and draining. You sound like a very kind and caring individual who has thought long and hard about your feelings before deciding that this relationship isn’t working.

It’s not your role, nor would you be able if you tried, to change or mold your friend into someone else who is more likeable. Moreover, it’s okay to admit to yourself that you simply don’t like her; no one has to like everybody and you are entitled to surround yourself with people whom you admire and respect.

The difficulty comes, however, in finding a way to disengage from this pushy person. In my opinion, nothing would be achieved by your laying out a litany of complaints. Instinctively, she would try to defend herself and/or overpower you with arguments. To minimize her hurt as well as diffuse any potential anger she may have towards you, you need to find a graceful way to
drift away.

• Can you see her far less frequently?

• Can you make your visits together more brief?

• Can you diffuse your get-togethers by adding other people to the mix?

If you want a clean break, tell her that you’ve changed and need to spend more time alone, with your family, or with other people.

In all likelihood, she will be fine and will find someone else to take your place. There’s also a remote possibility that this will be a reality check that will make her pause and reflect on how she treats other people.

If you still have misgivings or doubts, you may want to read my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, to feel more comfortable about ending a friendship and finding the right way to go
about it.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog about honesty and friendship:

• Feeling trapped? Honesty may help
• Why don’t friends just talk about it?
• Should friends be brutally truthful with one another?

**Coincidentally, here’s a great article in the New York Times about the same topic.

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QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

A couple of years ago I wrote to you about my dilemma regarding a casual friendship that I didn’t want to continue. 

You may recall that I met this friend through a local professional group before the pandemic. She kept telling me she admired my work (which made me uncomfortable from the start) and started inviting me to meet for lunch. We exchanged a few emails and met for lunch, maybe three or four times, before the pandemic. 

After getting to know her better, I just wasn’t interested in continuing this friendship. 

Mainly, I don’t have lots of extra time, and the time I do have is reserved for my family and a few established friendships that keep me busy. I’m not the kind of person who wants or needs to socialize with many different people. I’m a quality-over-quantity friend, and I’d rather spend my free time with people who mean the most to me.

I stepped back and said no to her lunch invitations over the past couple years. Rather than totally ghost her, I answered her emails and remained friendly online — but distant. The pandemic made it easier. And while our friendship never became “close” by any stretch, I think she believed we were better friends than I did.

I thought she’d given up after a few months of not hearing from her. But out of the blue, I just received an email from her today, asking me what she’d said or done to “offend” me. She practically demanded an “explanation” as to why I’d made no attempt to get together with her. The email was to the point, and just short of a scolding. 

I’m baffled as to why she has invested so much in a friendship that isn’t reciprocated. 

There are other friends in my life whom I haven’t seen in a couple of years, but they are not sending me emails demanding that I explain why we haven’t gotten together. 

Do I owe this person an explanation — for not being available to socialize? Or should I just ignore this new email from her? I don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings, but I really don’t want to feel forced or “guilted” into having a friendship with anyone. How do I handle this with kindness?

In need of advice,

Anna G.

ANSWER

Hi Anna,

We all have the right to pick and choose when it comes to friends. As a result, there will be times when someone you choose as a friend will have little or no interest in you and vice versa. That’s life.

Unlike blood ties, friendships are volitional and should be mutually satisfying to both people. A one sided friendship feels draining rather than energizing and is difficult to sustain without great effort that extracts a personal cost.

It sounds like at this point, interest in this friendship is certainly one-sided and you shouldn’t feel guilty about ending it. 

After giving this friendship a chance, you tried to offer this casual friend subtle cues that you weren’t interested in deepening the relationship (e.g., saying no to invitations and not initiating contact).

Apparently, she didn’t understand, accept or respond to your cues. Instead, she may have misinterpreted your prior attempts to be kind as interest in continuing the friendship.

At this point, you have no choice but to be straightforward and direct in ending the relationship. A one sided relationship isn’t a friendship.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a totally satisfactory or kind response to this tough dilemma.  She sounds like a pretty pushy person if she “demanded” an explanation for not getting together: If you tell her you aren’t interested in the friendship (even doing so in the kindest terms), she may not accept your decision.

Since you already haven’t had contact with each other for months, I think it might be far better to not respond to this latest email. I suspect this woman is far less sensitive than you and has been in a similar situation to this one before. 

Hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

Tips for Ending A One-Sided Friendship With A Pushy Person

• Remember that you deserve friendships that are mutually satisfying. 

• If you’ve given a prospective friendship a chance and find it unrewarding, you have a right to end it without guilt.

• If the person doesn’t accept subtle clues and is pushy, you may have no choice but to be firm and unequivocal, either by directly telling the person you aren’t interested in the friendship or summarily ending contact.

Previously on The Friendship Blog

• Ending a One-Sided Friendship: How Can I Get Her To Stop Messaging Me?

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Have you ever had a hard time getting out of a sticky friendship? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below to help others.

The post Ending A One Sided Friendship: It Is Never Easy appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor, 

I want to end a 27-year friendship that has become increasingly unfulfilling. We lived in the same city for four years so it has been mostly a long-distance one. Thinking back, I probably should have let the friendship fade before I moved. 

We’ve had an established phone call pattern for years, where I call her one month and she calls me the next. We never verbally committed to this, but it became an unspoken expectation over time. 

Our phone calls have become more one-sided or maybe I’m just noticing it more as I get older. I engage with her topics of choice first, sometimes for most of the call. When I get a chance to talk, if I’m light and funny and keep her laughing, it works. If I try to share anything that really matters to me, she responds by changing the subject. 

In the past, I would just jump to her new subject to keep the conversation flowing. She has a diagnosed mental illness so following her lead was my way of making space for that. It has begun to feel like I’m giving up more and more of myself to maintain this “phone friendship.” 

Last year I decided I didn’t want to abandon my space in the conversation so easily. So when the abrupt change of subject happened during a call, I responded with “Oh, I think you misunderstood me. I was talking about A, not B, but I can see how they’re related.” 

She got defensive, then said she had a migraine and had to go. That was not the first time she has cut short a call with a health reason, which usually ends my chance to talk. 

The second time she did an abrupt topic change last year, I had just shared some important news, and her non-response really hurt. I didn’t tell her how hurt I was, which I realize in hindsight I should’ve at least tried to do, but I ended the call (quickly and politely) rather than just jumping to her new topic. 

As hurt as I felt in the moment, getting off the phone seemed better than either deferring to her completely (old, unhealthy way) or having a hard conversation (healthy goal, but I’m not there yet) while I wasn’t able to think past my own feelings. 

After the last call, I decided I would answer calls from her but would call when I actually wanted to versus when I was expected to. That was in July. We haven’t talked since then. I sent a birthday card and left a (voice) message on her birthday in late December. She has not returned that call. 

Conflict avoidance is my role in this mess, and I own that. I never directly tried to talk to her about how her behavior impacts me. I think the friendship has only survived this long because of how much I’ve deferred to her. Seeing how the small changes I made last year (my attempts to “not defer”) led to where we are now, I feel like being more direct would shut her down even quicker. And for me, if I risk being vulnerable and she insists on cutting the call short, I’m going to feel worse, not better. 

Even though I was the last one to reach out, I still feel like I’m the one ghosting her, because I know we were overdue for that hard conversation. Dropping a long-term friend without explanation seems hurtful, yet chasing someone down just to say some version of “This friendship is no longer a good fit for me” seems hurtful, too. I want to do the right thing, but what is it? Try to have that hard conversation? Send an email to provide closure for us both? Just let it fade? 

If your advice is to go for the hard conversation, then how do I start? I’ve never known anything good to come from starting a conversation with “we need to talk,” but if I try to ease into it, it’ll be like every other phone call with her. As soon as there’s a hint of anything serious from me, she has a migraine and has to go.

Signed, Rita

ANSWER

Hi Rita,

In general, it’s easier to end a long-distance friendship than to break up with someone whose life is closely intertwined, in-person, with yours (for example, a neighbor you’ll see on the block, a colleague with whom you work, someone with whom you regularly play MahJong, Canasta or golf as part of a group of friends, etc.)

That said, long-time friendships become a habit and part of our lives that can be difficult to change or give up on entirely. 

It sounds like you and your friend haven’t really been integral to each other’s lives for many years. Moreover, you say you should have ended the friendship before your move, which suggests that the relationship isn’t fulfilling or mutually rewarding. 

You have made several attempts to redirect conversations without success and your phone friend hasn’t been sensitive to your needs. In fact, she’s cut you off. Because friendships are voluntary relationships (as opposed to familial or marital bonds), you have no moral obligation to maintain a one-sided friendship forever.

Since the two of you haven’t spoken for close to six months, I don’t see any need to initiate a “hard conversation.” More than likely, it would make your friend uncomfortable and wouldn’t likely change the nature of your friendship. You don’t need to feel guilty about ghosting her because it was she who ghosted you.

Closure doesn’t always require the active participation of two people. It sounds like you’ve tried to modify the nature of your phone friendship several times (unsuccessfully) and gained self-insight. This may make you less conflict-avoidant in the future (although in this case, you may have been sensitive to how much conflict your friend was able to handle). Your friend may have already had her own sense of closure.

Remind yourself that you deserve friendships that are mutually rewarding.

Hope this is somewhat helpful!

Warm regards, Irene  

Tips On How To End a Long-Distance Friendship

1. Bear in mind that, in general, it is easier to end long-distance relationships than ones close to home.
2. Make sure you really want to end the long-distance friendship entirely. Instead, can you communicate less often? Change the nature of your interactions?
3. Assess whether this friendship is satisfying to you and enhances your life. What would be your losses?.
4. If you are sure you want to end a long-distance friendship, pick up the phone (rather than texting or email) and explain your decision as kindly as possible.
5. Try not to be ambiguous or ambivalent about your decision. This will only make it harder to end the relationship. Instead, be clear and stick to the point.

READ MORE

• Hard To Say Goodbye: Ending A 20-Year Friendship

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QUESTION

Hi Dr, Irene,

I’m wondering about how to manage my relationship with my best friend of over ten years. We’ve shares a brother-sister bond since our school days. Over time, as we moved into different walks of life but unlike most other friendships, our bond retained strong.

About 10-12 days ago, my bestie started distancing herself from me without any apparent reason. A few days later, she told me she needed some space. Until then, I’d chat with on a daily basis, and discuss a lot of things over Google Meets and calls. 

Prior to that, she’d raised a topic of an apparent miscommunication between her and another mutual friend of ours whom I knew from childhood. She told me that I shouldn;t deliberately miscommunicate and ruin their relationship. I was shocked because I trust both of them equally and didn’t understand what miscommunication she was talking about. She gave me no further information about it and avoided talking about it any futher. 

Things temporarily returned to normal between us after I told her that if there was any wrongdoing (unintentional /non-deliberate) on my end, I was sorry about it and asked what I could do to rectify it. 

A few days later, she’d began ‘ghosting’ me and stopped responding to my very otherwise routine and casual texts with which we’d both had started our days—-such as ‘How are you? and ‘What’s up?’. A few days later, she’d responded saying that she’d been trying to resolve a lot of things on her end and needed some space.

In an attempt to know what damage I’d done to her relationship with our mutual friend, I asked him to take me through their constant meet-ups and he highlighted a very minor instance of miscommunication on my part. The issue was related to others thinking they had something going on, which both of them denied. I had previously told her that it wasn’t true, yet she saw it as an instance of deliberate miscommunication. I had already told her that I’d never ever do such a thing. I value both my friends and these friendships.

I am trying to understand and cope with the sudden absence of my best friend and also attempting to help repair her friendship with my bestie from childhood by letting him resolve it.

However, my bestie is yet to re-establish contact with us and take our calls. How do I overcome this and restore our triangular friendship, which was from the beginning based on trust and confidence in each other?

tt makes me quite distressed to see things suddenly take that shape after so many years of ups and downs. 

ANSWER

When long-time friends distance themselves from you, you have have reason to feel hurt. Apart from a decade of shared memories, this friend was part of your daily routine with morning meetups and phone calls.

You’ve made several attempts to understand what happened and to apologize, and this hasn’t resolved the problem. Your friend has told you more than once that she needs space, which might or might not have to do with you, per se. She may be struggling with other issues that are too embarrassing or uncomfortable to share with you at this time. 

Unless your mutual friend isn’t telling you the truth, he seems to be in a similar situation as you, not understanding why your bestie has cut both of you off. 

You are correct in assuming that you each need to deal with your bestie separately. Although you are a group of mutual friends, you each have different relationships with each other.

When someone asks for distance after you’ve given them an apology, there is really nothing more that you can do but give that person space. Let your friend know that you care about your relationship and will be there for her when she feels comfortable talking again. Resist the temptation to blame your friend for the lapse; she is probably doing the best she can.

When you are perplexed why friends distance themselves, it usually suggests that there is some information you don’t know.

Try to engage with other people and get involved in other activities you enjoy to distract yourself from this loss.

I’m so sorry that his happened to you and hope it gets resolved.

Best, Irene

The post When Friends Distance Themselves From You appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My three best friends of 35 years unceremoniously dropped me as a friend. 

The only explanation I got was that one person felt that it was not enjoyable to be around me anymore. The other two just seemed to follow her.

Now it is a year and a half later. One friend who said nothing to me said there was a death in her extended family, and she wanted me to know. 

I do not know how to react to this. I am in immeasurable pain from this. They were my family for 35 years and just left me out.

Signed, Hayley

ANSWER

Hi Hayley,

It is painful to lose long-time friends, people who are keepers of so many of our memories. This is especially difficult when someone is left out or “dumped’ without understanding why. You felt like these people were a “virtual family.”

It seems like this group of friends made this decision, as a group, behind your back. Only one of them said anything to you that half resembled an explanation, probably out of embarrassment. 

Keeping lifelong friendships over decades is far less common than you might imagine.

People change, as do their interests, and their lives veer in different directions. It’s remarkable that this group has stuck together this long. But even knowing this doesn’t make your own situation any less painful. 

I couldn’t even begin to speculate about why you were dropped from this group. I imagine this one person reaching out to you about the death in her extended family, even if well-intended, felt like she opened a wound that still wasn’t healed entirely.

How should you handle this unexpected and somewhat strange overture? 

Express your condolences, perhaps in a text or note, and continue your healing journey.

Nurture friendships with other people who value and appreciate you. Don’t let this experience jade you from connecting with other people.

These previous posts about being left out of a friend group might offer some additional thoughts:

• Slowing Being Excluded from An Adult Clique

• Left Out of A Midlife Clique

• Left Out of A Friend Group Without Explanation

Hope this is somewhat helpful.

My best, Irene

The post Left Out Of A Friend Group After 35 Years appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Irene,

My husband and I have been going through a really difficult time. We’ve been left out of a friend group that was initially formed by my husband’s co workers. We all had families and meshed together really well. We saw each other often and our kids were best friends. We even all moved to the same city at the same time for a job transfer. 

However, when we moved, a new family became part of the group and we as a family began being left out. My husband would often find out because he works with many of them and they would talk about it in front of him without even putting two and two together that we were left out. 

Eventually, this came to a head when we were going through a difficult time – a miscarriage- and this group deliberately left me out of a girls’ trip that was my idea. They decided to plan it and go anyway even though they knew I was miscarrying during that short period of time. I said something to my closest friend in the group and she scoffed and sarcastically said it was nothing.

After that, a separate incident occurred where the men set my husband up to meet them at a restaurant and then deliberately ditched him before he got there. It was so childish, I still can’t even believe people in their 30s would do that. 

Now, they no longer invite us to anything. We have no idea why or what we could have done. We have done so much for these people and everything was fine before the new family was integrated into the group. 

Our children are constantly begging to see theirs and we don’t know how to explain it. Additionally, my husband works with them and it’s eating him alive. He refuses to transfer departments out of principle (he loves his job) but we don’t know how to handle it.

I’d like to move on (and have for the most part) but he doesn’t know how to handle the dynamic at work and having the situation in his face constantly. We clearly don’t mesh as friends anymore, but how do we move on eloquently and with dignity? It has all stung so bad, and it’s hurting our kids too.

Signed, Annette

ANSWER

Hi Annette,

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you, your husband, and your family. It’s very painful to be left out of a friend group without an explanation.  

This clique has decided to exclude you and not even knowing why adds to the upset. It could be related to you, your husband, or your children—or be unrelated to you, per se. Maybe it has to do with the new family that’s taken your place. 

It might be worthwhile to make one more effort to meet with your close friend, perhaps over coffee, to explain your feelings and solicit her insight about what happened. She can no longer scoff at the idea after all that’s happened.

Although your prior attempt hit a brick wall, some time has elapsed and she may be more pliable. See if she is willing to meet. If not, you can just drop the idea.

In terms of your husband, his only alternative is to remain professional and focused on his work and to treat these people politely as colleagues, not friends. Over time, this difficult situation may feel more bearable. 

In terms of your children, they’ll need your help and support. You need to explain that your family has become less friendly with these work colleagues and you hope to help them make some new friends.

I’m sure you feel wounded and disappointed but you need to begin to grow your social circle. 

• Can you get involved in a gym, Y, or community group that offers activities for your kids as well as you?

• Would you be interested in getting involved in the social aspects of a church or synagogue?

• Can you fill the void for your kids with playdates with cousins or neighbors?

The only other thought that occurs to me is that these people are simply nasty. They showed no sympathy for your miscarriage and ditching your husband was horrible.

You and your family deserve better friends than these. I hope that tincture of time eases some of the pain.

My best, Irene

Previously on The Friendship Blog

• Slowly Being Excluded From An Adult Clique: What Could Have Happened?

• Feeling Left Out Of A Group of Families

The post Left Out Of A Friend Group Without Explanation appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Friendship Doctor,

Like many who write you, I was also dumped by a friend.

Maybe it was a gradual fading of a close friendship, but it felt like she was the one to pull away over time until I could no longer get her to agree to hang out. There was always one excuse after the other.

We used to text and chat and spend time at one another’s homes while our kids played together…multiple times a week. From one year to the next, our interactions decreased dramatically, and now it’s been another year since things felt even remotely “normal” between us.

I’ve asked her to hang out maybe three times since I realized our relationship was burning out and have consistently been turned down. I even got up the courage to ask if I had done anything to upset her and was reassured that she was just busy.

She confided a lot in me, prior to the decline, about being unfaithful in her marriage. I think I’m the only person to know (other than the other man). Could she be associating me with that negative time in her life?

How do I get over this feeling? We’re still polite and friendly when our paths cross in social situations. We have many mutual friends, and thanks to Facebook I see when *they* spend time together.

I don’t think I could ever want our close friendship rekindled after feeling this hurt, but I don’t know *how* to move on.

Thank you for your advice,

Amy

ANSWER

Hi Amy,

It’s always hard to get over feeling dumped by a friend to whom you felt so close, especially since your kids were involved with hers and you have mutual friends, too.

You suggest that this breakup wasn’t sudden; your friend gradually pulled away. I think you’ve done all the right things you can do: You’ve asked her if something was wrong, extended invitations and indicated your interest in getting together, and stepped back to a more cordial (and distant friendship) after her non-response.

There isn’t much else to do when you’re dumped without explanation. When friendships are as close and intense as yours, they are difficult to get over because you have so many ties between you.

All you can do is give yourself time, reach out to other friends, and don’t blame yourself for the breakup. As you suggest, your friend may be struggling with other issues in her life that you’re only involved in peripherally. If you can avoid tracking on Facebook, do that.

There is a pervasive myth that all friendships last forever, but not all friendships do—even very good ones.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

Also on The Friendship Blog:

• Should I Open The Door To A Friend Who Has Dumped Me?
• Can You Rebuild Trust After Shutting Someone Out?

The post Dumped Without Explanation: Is There Anything To Do? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hello Irene,

I really hope you can give me advice because I am feeling so low. In brief, I’ve had a friendship with a woman for the last 5 or 6 years and we have had some great times together. We have two kids around the same ages, the youngest of whom in both cases have special needs, so we have a lot in common.

There have been times in the past when I’ve felt let down by this person – about cancelling things at last minute, not reciprocating favors of all kinds – but I always decided I would just take the good with the bad.

Recently, we had an arrangement that I would collect the younger kids from school at 1:30PM and she would collect the older two at 2:30PM. This was to facilitate a meeting she had at the school about her younger child.

I collected the younger ones, as arranged, and then got a phone call at 2:45PM from another parent who happened to see my son in the school yard by himself. No one had picked him up. I raced to the school, all the time trying to ring my friend as I assumed something must be wrong but I couldn’t get her or her husband (who was also at the meeting).

Anyway, it turned out the meeting ran late and neither her son nor mine were collected (her son was taken home by another mum). When my friend eventually arrived at the school, there was no apology or no inquiry as to whether my son was okay.

When I asked what happened, I got a very casual “Oh, the meeting went on late.” When I then said that my son, who is only 7, was left standing on his own, I got a hand put up in front of me and she said “Not now.” I told her that I was at least expecting an apology, I got a sarcastic “Well it goes without saying that I’m sorry.” At this point, I was so upset I just walked away.

Anyway, I was fully expecting an apology of some sort when she had time to think things over but what actually happened was that she accused me of handling the situation badly and not valuing our friendship. SHE was disappointed in ME.

How this was turned around is beyond me but I just don’t know what to do now. I feel that I can’t win with her if I tell her how I feel. When I tried to pull back, she asked, “Are you not interested in meeting any more?”

It is a very awkward situation as I see her every day at the school and our kids are friends. Should I just try to keep things civil and ignore the hurt I am feeling? Help!

Thanks,
Anna

ANSWER

Dear Anna,

I can imagine how upsetting it was to be waiting for your son to come home and not know what happened to him. Clearly, it was irresponsible of your friend to leave him alone; if the meeting ran late, either she or her husband could have gone to get your son or one of them should have called you.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, her responsibilities to you may have totally slipped her mind or she may have presumed that the two boys were together. Even so, she should have apologized. That she dismissed your feelings and maintained that YOU handled the situation badly was probably a big disappointment.

Sometimes we make allowances for our friends, especially when they’re parents of our children’s friends. Perhaps you’ve bonded more strongly with this friend because of circumstances rather than because you’re soulmates.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not this incident and its aftermath feel like a friendship killer for you. You knew your friend was a bit self-centered and a “taker” but you overlooked these traits before because you valued the friendship overall. If you still feel that way, let go of the grudge and accept her limitations. Try as hard as you may, you can’t change anyone’s personality.

If you decide that you can’t accept your friend as she is, it’s time to downgrade the friendship and treat her like a neighbor/acquaintance. Of course, you want to keep things civil for the sake of the kids.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Have you had a bad experience that turned out to be a friendship killer?

Other related posts on The Friendship Blog:

• Friendship for the sake of the children
• Why breaking up is so hard to do

Do you have a question/problem concerning a friendship? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.

The post What Do You Consider A ‘Friendship Killer’? appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I am hurt/upset with my best friend because she refuses to accept my apology or listen to me. She won’t forgive no matter what I say. She says there’s no way back and I should let it go.

I am so upset because my unforgiving friends won’t listen or hear me out.

Signed, Maya

ANSWER

Hi Maya,

I can understand how upsetting it is to lose a best friend. It can be as painful and upsetting as losing a romantic partner. Best friends have an emotional investment in their friendship. They also spend a great deal of time together so breakups leave a huge vacuum in both friends’ lives.

You haven’t shared the specifics of the argument or the misunderstanding you had with your friend but problems do tend to crop up in all relationships, even very good ones. Sincere apologies can often smooth things over. In fact, they can make the relationship stronger.

Why won’t your friend forgive you? Here are a few possibilities:

• The mistake was so heinous (e.g., a betrayal or lapse in judgment) that it was unforgivable,

• Your friend over-reacted for reasons having to do with her more than with you (e.g., perhaps because of her past or other things going on in her life now), or

• This was one of a string of mistakes or misunderstandings, a final straw that led your friend to say there’s no way back.

You can’t undo what happened but you did the right thing by apologizing. Now you have to take a step back and give your friend the time she needs to cool off. You could try writing to her a note if you want to explain yourself but resist the urge to apologize repeatedly.

If your unforgiving friend doesn’t respond or change her mind, there’s not much more that you can do. It takes two people to sustain a close friendship.

Hope this helps and that you begin to heal from this loss.

Best, Irene

*This post from 1/6/16 has been updated and reviewed on 1/6/22.

The post Dealing With An Unforgiving Friend appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi,

About eight months ago I moved into an apartment after years of living in a house. After a couple of months, I became friends with a neighbor across the street (same complex) against my better judgment. 

She complains about everyone and doesn’t talk to her family anymore…she’s literally mad at everyone and I hate being around her. I can’t escape her because she sees me all the time. 

I am actually a little afraid of her and want to end the friendship but I am worried about how she will react. And, moving isn’t an option since I have a lease. I spent months debating the move to the apartment for this very reason but needed to downsize because of financial reasons. 

I know it’s been a short friendship but I honestly don’t know how to handle her. BTW, we are both 60 so this seems silly but any advice would help. Or perhaps one of your blogs, etc.? Getting exhausted making up reasons to avoid her. Thanks!

Signed, Teri

ANSWER

Hi Teri,

Your question isn’t silly at all. It is one that comes up often among women of all ages.

It is far easier to end a friendship with someone in another city than it is to end a friendship with a neighbor who lives across the street. You’re likely to see this person all the time or run into her around the neighborhood. In addition, because you live in the same development, you may have common friends/acquaintances.

For both reasons, you do want to be cautious and make it as comfortable as you can for both of you.

• I don’t think there is any reason to tell her outright that you want to end the friendship, especially if you see her as an angry, volatile person whom you are afraid of and who is likely to badmouth you. 

• This woman sounds like someone who has difficulty taking No for an answer since you’ve made up a number of excuses already. So you do want to be firm in conveying your decision to not spend time together. You also should take ownership of the decision rather than blame her.

• You could tell her that you are a loner type and want more time for yourself. Or, this is one time that you might be able to use the pandemic to your benefit. Would you feel comfortable telling her that because of COVID, you are limiting your socializing for the time being? The “white lie” would probably hold for quite some time and your neighbor wouldn’t be likely to take it personally.

• If you do see her outside, act cordially. Greet her and say hello without making any further conversation. 

• Try to set aside any guilt about putting distance between you. My hunch is that this woman will, or already has, “glomped” onto someone else. Friendships are voluntary relationships that have to be rewarding for both people. Although it can be uncomfortable, you are entitled to end a friendship.

Don’t beat yourself up for your mistake. It’s a natural instinct to befriend a neighbor: You already have something in common with that person (living close by) and the relationship might have been both convenient and mutually supportive. However, one lesson from your experience might be to give yourself more time to see if someone is friend-worthy before you “commit,” especially when the person is a neighbor.

This is a tough quandary with no perfect solution.

My best,

Irene

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

Getting Over A Friendship With A Next-Door Neighbor

Getting Over A Friendship With A Next-Door Neighbor

How To Break Up With A Friend: The Rules

The post How To End A Friendship With A Neighbor appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hello,

My 42-year-old female friend, whom I’ve known for 18 years, may have lost interest in our friendship. She only wants to see me a few times a year whereas we had been pretty friendly for the past five years. She lives about 30 minutes away and although I don’t have a car, she works near my home.

She recently made a new male friend and being with him seems to be more of a priority for her than being with me. Aside from her ex-boyfriend who was extremely toxic and possessive, I’m the first male friend she’s had.

The new guy has spent a ton of time with her. She told me she really likes his company but only sees him as a friend. I can’t help but feel jealous.

Over the last few years, things have seemed to have declined really fast between us and I can’t seem to fix the situation, even when talking to her about the issues. We used to have a really good friendship but I feel like she’s just not that interested in me anymore. 

We talked on the phone frequently but now it’s only about once every four months. She also is taking a day or more to respond to my texts when she used to respond as soon as possible.

Has my friend lost interest in me?

Signed, Larry

ANSWER

Hi Larry,

It’s always difficult when a friendship ends without any explanation and the decision has been one-sided. But I  think you answered your own question in several different ways.

Yes, your friend has lost interest in you. Your relationship was changing over a period of time, you are having problems communicating, and she’s less available to talk to you by phone or text.

It may be that she is having a hard time giving up the relationship. Perhaps, she feels that she will hurt your feelings or provoke your anger. Although most friendships, even very good ones, don’t last forever, people often have a hard time ending these relationships.

That she is spending a good deal more time with another person is another not too subtle explanation of why she has less time for you, especially if she realizes her other friendship makes you jealous or uncomfortable. Another factor to consider is that her new friend may be possessive (like her ex) and be jealous of her relationship with you or other men.

I would give yourself and this woman a breather for a while by not initiating any contact. If she makes no attempt to reach out to you, I think you’ll come to realize that she has lost interest in the friendship. 

It also sounds like you may be overly dependent on this one relationship. It would be in your best interest to involve yourself in some activities in your own community or pursue some hobbies that you enjoy so you can meet other people to fill the social void in your life.

Hope this is helpful and that you feel better over time.

My best, Irene

The post My Friend Has Lost Interest In Our Friendship appeared first on The Friendship Blog.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have a very close friend that I have known for 18 years. We have never had a fight or disagreement over that time. I think this is because I have a go-with-the-flow personality and let lots of things roll off my back. I try to keep a positive attitude. We would talk at least two times a day every day, went on vacations together, and her husband did things with my husband as well as us doing couple dates.

Throughout the friendship, she asked me to help in many ways. one example: Our girls went to school together and she would ask me to give rides home to her daughter, stepdaughter, and another girl that she agreed to carpool with. This was not a problem until it became a habit, not to mention I had to take all three girls to three different homes.

When she would return the favor she would take my daughter to her house and ask me to pick her up there. I finally realized that I was allowing her to take advantage of my friendship and started saying, “No, I can’t help you out.”

Second example: She invited herself and her daughter to stay in a hotel with my daughter and me. She told me they had a place to stay but that lots of drama was going on with her daughter’s friends and she didn’t want her daughter to stay in the same house with the other girls. The next thing I knew, she had invited herself and her daughter to stay in our hotel. She also had the nerve to say, “OK, I will pay for gas and go in half on groceries (as if that covered the cost of them staying with us). When I asked her for half of the hotel cost, her response was that she would pay for gas for the trip home and that would make us even.

She and her husband always ask to use our lake house in the summer but then make negative comments about the rules that we have for using our home and she doesn’t follow them. When I bring this to her attention she puts the blame on one of her family members that stayed with them at the house. Since that time, I now tell her that my family will be using the house more often over the summer but then she makes comments that we have not invited her and her husband to stay with us. I then let her know that we have invited a few of my family members and that she is more than welcome to pop a tent up outside but she said she can’t sleep on the ground because it hurts her back.

Over the last three years, I’ve reached my limit in allowing her to take advantage of my husband. me and our kindness. But because my husband is friends with her husband, he asked me to not bring up everything that is bothering me about our friendship because he thinks it could make things turn out bad for all four of us.

The last example: My husband and I bought a new house. She wanted to know what the moving plans were so she and her husband could help. But when it came to the moving day, we didn’t hear from them. A few weeks after we moved, she and her husband had decided to sell their house before having another one to move into. She made it a point to tell me that she was packing without any help from anyone but then would post comments on Facebook thanking different friends for all the help. I was not able to help her due to getting our house in order as well as helping my dad out with his illness. She also went out of her way to tell me that her other friend didn’t want to see her and her husband in the street with no place to live and that her family would be moving into her friend’s basement and could stay as long as they needed to. My response was “Great, I am glad she is able to help you guys out.”

This leads me to where I am now. I have chosen to put distance between us. I make excuses for not doing things with her. I got to the point that I didn’t answer her calls or would tell her that my phone was not working (which was the case for a short time). There were many times that she would tell me that she was concerned about me and I played it off that it was my hormones. The last time we spoke she said, “Well, I know I haven’t done anything wrong.” This would have been the perfect time to express my feelings but I was trying to respect my husband’s wishes to not tell her how I’ve felt about so many things over the years.

She still calls or sends me texts once a week. I don’t call her back or even respond. Today she dropped a birthday gift off at my door for my daughter and me. I don’t want the gift or anything from her. She has called my sister and another close friend of mine (The friend she called is someone that she doesn’t even like) asking them questions about me. I am done with allowing her to take advantage of our friendship.

There are many more examples that explain why I am at the place I am with this friendship but I think you get the idea. I am the type of person that when pushed to a certain limit, I am done. There is a part of me that feels like, after this long friendship, she deserves an answer to why I want to end this friendship. On the other hand, she never thinks she does anything wrong. I have thought about seeking counsel over this but I have decided that I just need to move on without being friends.

My husband has a hard time accepting that I want to end the friendship. I feel that even if I did decide to tell her how I have been feeling over the years, I am okay with not continuing the friendship. I feel like our friendship isn’t balanced and I feel smothered by her. It is to the point that I get anxious when her name comes up. I don’t want to allow any person to have that control over me. I am open to any advice that you can give. Thanks.

Signed, Randi

ANSWER

Hi Randi,

You probably deserve an endurance award for staying in this relationship as long as you have! Not everyone would be willing to persevere with a controlling friend who is unwilling to respect boundaries.

My guess is that at this point, it would be virtually impossible to try to change the way your friend treats you. So I understand your wanting to ease out of the friendship.

Your husband’s desire to remain friends with her husband does complicate this situation. Does he expect you to maintain a relationship as a couple? Given how clear you feel about ending this friendship, I think you need to tell your husband that you aren’t going to rock the boat by confronting this friend about past misdemeanors but you have no interest in getting together with her, either as an individual or as a couple.

It’s never easy to end a long friendship, especially if the decision to end it is one-sided.

Given the length of the friendship and your husband’s relationship with her husband, it would make it easier for everyone if you let her know explicitly that you’ve had a hard time with the relationship for many years, and just feel you need to step back. Tell her that it has more to do with you than it does with her. Don’t go into details or offer examples.

It sounds like you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from this long friendship and will be more vocal in the future to avoid getting trapped in similar situations.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

Also on The Friendship Blog:https://www.thefriendshipblog.com/how-to-break-up-with-a-friend-the-rules/

Getting Out Of A Sticky Friendship

How To Break Up With A Friend: The Rules

The post A Woman Asks How To End A Very Long Friendship appeared first on The Friendship Blog.