A young girl feels left out by her two friends
It’s nice to be part of a threesome but what do you do when you feel left out of the relationship two friends have with each other?
QUESTION
Hi,
I have become best friends with these two girls for about a year and a half. We have always talked but last year, the three of us really strengthened our bond as best friends. Last year the three of us were in the same class and we always saw each other.
This year, one girl and me are together and the other is in another class. The three of us are only together at lunch and recess, which really sucks but the bigger problem is that these to girls live right next to each other and I love down the hill about 7 blocks away. They are constantly at each other’s houses and every time I see them, that’s all that they talk about – what they did without me.
I don’t really care that they are constantly at each other’s homes because I understand it’s not convenient for me to be there but sometimes when they continue to talk about the things that the did without me, it really gets under my skin.
Lately, our friendship has been tense and when I decide that I want to hang out with other friends and the two of them are together at school, they act like I’m not even gone and like they couldn’t care less. In the past, I’ve also tried to get together with them and it doesn’t work out but then I find out a week later that they went the next day but without me.
Please help me find a way to handle them constantly talking about what they do together. I love them and I really value our friendship, but this situation has had me depressed for about two weeks and I can’t go on like this. Any sort of advice you have I would love.
Signed, Emma
ANSWER
Hi Emma,
Friendships with three people cab be harder than those with two, especially in situations like yours because the two others girls live next door and because you share classes with just one of your best friends. I bet the friend from the other class feels left out and envious sometimes because she’s not part of your class.
I think increasing your friendship circle is a great idea. Some of the reasons you might have tension with your best friends might be (and many might not apply to your situation):
-When you decided to hang out with other friends, you didn’t communicate why you we no longer spending time with them at school
-You expected a different reaction from your best friends (perhaps that they might say they missed you or ask you eat lunch with them).
You can’t control what your friends do, but you can let them know how you feel with your words rather than actions.
For example, if I had two best friends and one stopped hanging out I would wonder if she was mad, if she no longer wanted to be my friend or if she didn’t like me any more. Because I’m an adult and I’ve had a lot more life experience, I would talk to her and find out why. When I was your age, I wouldn’t have known how.
First you have to figure out what you want. Do you want to be best friends again? Will you be satisfied knowing that as next-door neighbors, they will often spend time together without you simply out of convenience and spontaneity?
One way you can deal with feeling excluded is to accept it. Act interested and ask questions about their time together and be happy they had fun. I’m not saying this will be easy, just that if you can find a way to do so, everyone will be more comfortable. You and your BFFs aren’t in competition for quantity of time and number of minutes together doesn’t signify importance. Quality matters most.
Not everyone is cut out to be part of a threesome of best friends and that’s okay.
Having other friends besides your best friend(s) is always a good idea because it takes the pressure off the BFF relationship.
Remember, too, that you choose to be in friendships because they make your life happier and more complete over a long period of time.
Good luck figuring this out.
Signed, *Amy Feld
*Amy Feld, PhD, MSW has trained and worked as a child psychologist.
Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another
Category: Child and adolescent friendships, OTHER ADVICE
Hi,
I wanted to say that I have 2 friends 1 of them I know becuase we went to the same primary school and another friend that I made I college in septemeber and everything went well, we were so close and friendly like all friends are like suddenly my close friend who I know started asking my new friend’s for her mum’s Facebook username as her mum wanted to add her mum I thought it was me because everytime I make a friend or she makes a friend but doesn’t introduce a friend to me I always have to invite that friend as I dont like people hanging out on their own and my close friend who I am in a distant with a she bum licks a lot of people like my high school friend who is closer with me than her she calls her everyday and tells me stories about the sort of topic they were talking about so I laugh as I am a funny friend and generally open minded and whatever personality I gave in the I side its the same on the outside so my close friend who is now a distant friend as something happened a couple of weeks ago between us which she thought was really serious she backed off with me abd I did with her as well is now bum licking my new friend who she met before me but I introduced her into this group now is really close with her a nd I feel left lut because in every conversation they speak about is when they spend time togetuer and go to the same tuition as my primary friend told her about the tuition centre she went to and now they go tohether and when I asked my friend that went to my primary school she said sorry I don’t think there is any space which made me upset but I didn’t react as the atmosphere was going to get ruined for the day. So my primarybfriend bum licks her sisters and shows off and begs her to ask her mum to let her come round her house and she went to her house on Friday and for some reason her mum bum licks her mum as well as my primary friend told me so I can get jealous but I’m not that sort if person and sometimes I think I’m getting jelous butbi then realise my primary friend wants me to be in theat position. And if I do leave the her she wouldn’t mind as she has my other friend to ha g out with I know flr definate that I’m not jealous but I dont know what I shluld do becuase whenever we are in a lesson or in the canteen she talks about the same topic and I get fed up as im in the group as well and she doesn’t care at all and she’s selfish as well so please can you advice me om what I should do I have to put up ghis since 2 and a half month and whatver my new friend does she copies her I wangna suotablenadbice which I know I’ll be able to cope with as I get sensitive for this tule of topics but not that sensitive must in case you think I cry when I’m sensitive thanks